2007 08 01 archive

Showing newest 23 of 27 posts from August 2007. Show older posts
Showing newest 23 of 27 posts from August 2007. Show older posts

Friday, August 31, 2007

Juliet Echo November Alpha

I love the phonetic alphabet. You know whenever someone’s using it they mean serious fucking business, probably because it’s military jargon. Juliet Echo November Alpha, in case you haven’t yet figured it out, is NATO-speak for Jena, a podunk town deep in the heart of Louisiana. A place where you’d never expect anything to happen, except hurricanes.

A while back my brother sent me an email asking me to sign a petition regarding the Jena Six, which I have signed with reservations. In case you didn’t know, the Jena Six situation spanned four months in last year, started with black students’ request to sit under “the white tree” being denied and 3 nooses being hung from a tree the next day, and culminated with six black students being charged with attempted second degree murder for assaulting a white student after he talked crap about one of them. The first of the six was convicted by an all-white jury of lesser charges and will be sentenced September 20th. You can read the whole story here.

Sounds bad right? Well forgive me for being a House Negro, but I’m going to have to play Klansman’s Advocate for a minute. Before the trial, U.S. Attorney Donald Washington who, from what I understand is a black man, noted that there was apparently no connection between the noose incident and the assault, which is likely considering they happened 4 months apart. The racial tension was already present in the school, which helps explain why the nooses were hung from the tree so quickly.

Also, I’ve noticed that many of the statements saying that the Jena Six did nothing wrong, on the internet, at the high school, and from people involved in some way with the trial, are from black people. And black people do have an interest in seeing these students go free, similar to the one they had when O.J. Simpson was on trial. Many, many, many, many black people have been unjustly convicted of crimes because of the color of their skin so it’s understandable why black America wants to keep as many out of jail as possible, whether or not they are guilty of a crime.

Given the racial tension in Jena and probably by extension the La Salle Parish, it is impossible for any of the students to receive a fair trial there. An all white jury would find all of them guilty, an all black jury would set them all free, and a mixed jury would be a hung jury (pun unintended). The trial should be moved to another parish.

And now for the charges. Being charged with attempted second degree murder, considering the student who was beaten was released from the hospital the very day of the beating? Absurd. Reducing the charges for the first on trial to aggravated second degree battery and conspiracy? A nice attempt to appease black America, but still absurd. In addition to moving the trials, the charges against all should be reduced to assault, especially considering tennis shoes can not be logically considered a deadly weapon (argument used by prosecution, since agg. 2nd degree battery requires the use of a deadly weapon).

However, through all this the fact remains that the Jena Six are likely guilty of assault, and should be given a fair trial with fair charges and as fair a jury as possible in another parish. Considering the four months of racially motivated assaults, attempted assaults, and firearms incidents targeting blacks in the area, it is understandable why the Jena Six reacted way they did. But understandable does not mean excusable; there is a world of difference between the two. “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere” knows no racial boundaries.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Bow Chicka Bow Wow

What is it with Republicans and gay sex? Is this the latest hypocritical fad among the GOP? It seems to jump from extramarital affairs to drug use to pedophilia, and now to gay sex in airport bathrooms. Well no, Senator Craig, after pleading guilty said he wasn’t guilty and that he just has “a wide stance”. Sounds like a George Costanza line, not unlike the one where he shoved kids and their grandparents out of the way to escape a burning building. And then closed the door behind him.

I was running down this list of blatant and embarrassing Republican hypocrisy, and noted that there were 51 pedophiles on the list (many involving their own daughters or little boys), probably about the same numbers for gays and adulterers, and there was even one guy who owned a funeral company that “recycled graves”-they dug up bodies, dumped them in the woods and used the graves again.

My favorite is still “Fatass” Bob Allen. He’s the guy that offered a black undercover cop $20 so that Allen could suck the cop off in a park bathroom. After being arrested for soliciting prostitution, Allen claimed that he was afraid the black people in the park would beat him up unless he satisfied them monetarily and sexually.

A mere two months before his arrest, ol’ Fatass Bob sponsored a bill in the Florida House of Representatives that would make it illegal to masturbate in front of someone else, regardless of age or consent. Perhaps this will turn out to be quite the Chewbacca Defense. Maybe Allen’s failed prostitution of himself, that he paid for, was a symbolic statement of the immorality of our education letting the U.S. Americans such as South Africa and The Iraq not have maps.

Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Republicans…

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

George Bush Still Doesn’t Care About Black People

Today, on the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina slamming the gulf coast, Bush stood in front of the Dr. Martin Luther King Charter School for Math and Science in the Lower 9th Ward (see that? He’s trying to identify with the negroes) told the people of New Orleans “We’re still paying attention. We understand.”

…what? What? Oh George, you don’t understand. You couldn’t possibly understand. And neither could I. Do you know why? Because my house wasn’t under 10 motherfucking feet of diseased water for a week, that’s why.

I know you want this whole Katrina thing to go away George, everyone knows. But the way to do it is not to stand in front of something named after Dr. King (watch out, drive by!) and claim you understand, because you don’t Everyone knows you don’t. You want to fix this mess? Send everything you have down and some things you don’t down to New Orleans. Build free houses (houses, not housing) for displaced victims only, build and staff public schools, put up police stations to help keep crime down, and offer flood insurance.

Most importantly of all-don’t do it in the Lower 9th. Because if the Lower 9th Ward gets rebuilt, it’s eventually going to be destroyed again by another hurricane. Keep as much of the city as possible at or above sea level, not below. Bulldoze that neighborhood, and make it a public park or something.

Of course I have no idea what the people’s mindset is down there, but I certainly hope that they’re open to the idea that if the Lower 9th Ward is rebuilt, they’re going to have to live through Katrina again. If they ignore that fact, if they demand they stay, demand they lose everything in another flood 40 years later, demand they die in 10 feet of raw sewage-well, that’s natural selection at it’s finest.

Endgame

God damn, senior year.

It’s peculiar considering that despite not much changing from junior to senior year, everything feels so different now. The only real change is that we can sit in the fire hazard of a senior hallway without having our heads served on platters. The ’07 Seniors might have even decapitated us!

Same deal as last year, four AP classes – English, Environmental Science, Art, and European History – and then two are on level because four AP classes is enough of a bitch, and then there’s Art and Culture for one semester because the stupid cunts who set up what classes happen when decided that people interested in Studio Art wouldn’t give a damn about Film Studies. Stupid cunts.

Teachers are the standard deal, with the exception of my calculus teacher who looks a little bit like Chris Meloni, except he’s a little darker and has brown eyes, I think. Also there’s the Science teacher who promised brownies if everyone brought their lab fee in today. Rumor has it they’re double chocolate, but maybe they’re magical double chocolate.

Then there’s the AP Euro teacher. He does great accents (so far we’ve only heard cockney), has students take notes on Mr. Wiggly Tooth (an educational film from Colgate) for detention, and calls students communists. I think I’m in love.

I still don’t have any classes with those IB jerkasses I call friends, for some reason. But I’m trying to get one of them to switch a second semester class of theirs to Philosophy. There’s a good chance we’ll wind up in the same class (with my AP Euro teacher), because I think there’s only one Philosophy class. Just like god damn motherfucking Film Studies.

Last night I was watching the news while doing homework, and look at what I saw:


Kids, stay in school.

In Conclusion:

Alberto Gonzales, it’s about damn time.

Listen to Jimi Hendrix

A lot of crap happened while I was gone, I’ve got some stuff to write.

Tell your friends about The Tome of Communism

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Ankkkhorwoman

This is Lauren Jones, a former Barker Beauty, swimsuit model, and WWE diva. This blonde bombshell has everything a woman could want-fake boobs, fake lips, blonde hair, white skin, and dozens of stupid men to do her bidding because of the above. The one thing she wants but doesn’t have is a job as a newscaster! Fox broadcasting has allowed us to watch Lauren’s often hilarious and occasionally heart-wrenching adventure at a small-town news network in Tyler, TX , and hopefully wind up on CNN or the fair and balanced Fox News!

At least they did, until Jones’ abortion of a television “show” was miraculously canceled after the first airing of the series premiere on Wednesday night. I had the unfortunate honor of losing a few IQ points that night as I committed myself to half watching this piece of steaming monkey crap and half working on my still-untitled portrait of Adolf Hitler. Hey, I can’t completely rot my brain just yet.

I was expecting this show to be bad, but I can honestly say that in my almost seventeen years of life on planet Earth, I have never, ever, ever, bared witness to such irrefutable proof that God does not exist. How could God allow this, this thing to see the light of day? Whoever approved ‘Anchorwoman’ for airing should be arrested, tried for crimes against humanity, tarred, feathered, partially electrocuted, hanged, drawn and quartered, and finally have their body parts burned at the stake.

Previously I didn’t think it was possible to actually underestimate the intelligence of the American people, but this show did. In a way I’m proud of Americans. Their rejection of this silicone blonde in a human-in-a-space-vacuum situation comedy/reality show proves that the American people are not profoundly retarded, they are simply severely retarded.

I can say with absolute certainty that even half-watching ‘Anchorwoman’ is slightly worse than spending a year in Auschwitz. Fox should stick to Judge Judy, reruns of Seinfeld and The Simpsons, and The Tyra Banks Show, because Tyra’s got great (and real) tits.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Ten Years of Failure

I spent most of yesterday over at my brother’s house, and both of us have a thing for the news, so it’s what’s on the TV about 90% of the time. CNN was doing a story about some advertisements by democratic and republican organizations regarding the war in Iraq. Naturally, the republicans dememnded we stay, and used some paralyzed Marine to push their agenda.


The democratic ad had a satellite phone video of General David Petraeus in Iraq, suggesting the possiblity that the U.S. may keep a large military force in Iraq for a decade. A decade. I don’t know about you, but that scared the shit out of me. Can you imagine being in Iraq for ten damn years? Fighting a war whose very design dooms it to failure?

The official reason we’re in Iraq has changed from Saddam helped OBL attack the United States, to Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction (including the nucular ones), to we have to bring freedom and democracy to the Iraqi people, even if they don’t want it (see above image). Now the reason lots of republicans are saying we should stay is if we leave, Iraq will become a terrorist haven.

For the sake of argument, let’s ignore the fact that it already is. How is the military going to stop terrorism? The U.S. wins every battle hands down, but is still losing the war hands down. The problem is the military is designed to fight countries, not pockets of loosely organized resistance. If there was a country called Terroristan with Osama bin Laden as president, this war would have been over.

Now couple this with the fact that a War on Terrorism, an ideology of sorts, is doomed to failure from the start since you can’t kill an ideology and we come to the conclusion that the United States military can not protect us from terrorism. They’ve shown that by their performance in Iraq and Afghanistan. Now don’t mistake this for bashing the troops; I’m saying that by nature a national army can’t defeat a band of highly loyal, radical guerrillas. The troops are doing the best they can in a situation where they can not win.

Terrorism is less of a military issue, and more of a law enforcement issue. Yes, that means we have to fight them here but you have to work with the cards your dealt, and this is our hand. Our only hope for making terrorism go away is to thwart so many plots that the enemy no longer sees it as a wise tactic. For starters we need to strengthen police forces across the nation, raise officer salaries significantly, and unite police departments around one organization primarily so they can more easily share information and pool resources.

I know this is sounding an awful lot like a police state, but it isn’t. We will still have the same essential liberties we have now, and we won’t even need the PATRIOT act. I know this is a far cry from the nation the founding fathers envisioned, but no one can deny that times have changed since 1776. Using the military to fight terrorism is easier on us because it’s far away and we don’t have to think about it, but reality is that isn’t working, and it is putting us in further danger.

I realize the police being such a strong presence in our every day lives is like swallowing a suppository, but what the hell else do you propose we do? The time when simply leaving them alone would be enough has long since passed. This isn’t a war on terrorism, you can’t win a war against an ideology. This is a war to keep us safe, keep our liberties, and outlast our enemies all at the same time. It will be difficult but that is a war we can win.

I also realize this won’t go over too well with some people, but bear in mind I just came up with this idea this morning, so it isn’t yet fully developed. Now let your bullets fly like rain.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Of Iraq and Vietnam

When I woke up this morning, I decided against getting a gun and instead chose to watch the news. After wading through about an hour of crap about Hurricane Dean, I heard a brief mention about a speech George Bush was going to make comparing Iraq to Vietnam. Of course I thought my ears were deceiving me. So I rewound, and holy crap they actually said it.

So like a kid on Christmas morning I sat awake, waiting for everyone to come on down and get the festivities started. First The Notorious G.W.B. compared the conflict in Iraq with those in Japan and Korea. That was kind of disappointing but just as stupid as the Vietnam analogy. It’s like the opening act, who gives a damn? Upon defeat, the Japanese accepted their fate and were looking forward to a peaceful relationship with the United States. In case you didn’t notice, Saddam loyalists and the Taliban are technically defeated, but they aren’t exactly embracing America.

And Korea? The initial U.N. mission was to liberate South Korea from communist oppression, which they did rather brilliantly. The mission failed when they decided to take North Korea and the Chinese stopped them, and pushed them back down to South Korea. Truman, who Bush interestingly compared himself to, signed a cease fire with the communists and left. South Korea eventually became a relatively flourishing democracy, and Bush curiously failed to mention the fate of North Korea. Again, I don’t think, for example, al-Qaida would be open to a cease-fire treaty.

And here comes the main event! Bush’s main argument, in fact the only argument comparing Iraq and Vietnam in his favor, was that after the U.S. left the South Vietnamese government fell and there was mass slaughter and reeducation in Southeast Asia. Which is true, and would almost certainly happen if the U.S. were to leave Iraq.

But the President spoke as if we had not yet lost, and the thing is we have lost. In a war that was supposed to last mere weeks and where we would be greeted as liberators, Iraq is extremely unstable, it has become a training ground for our enemies, it is embroiled in a bloody civil war, and there is no pretty way out for any parties involved. I am not a defeatist, I pay attention to the facts and use that information to analyze the situation.

Bush, citing a report by two unnamed scholars, said something along the lines of “a U.S. abandonment of Iraq will lead to an explosion of euphoria among extremists, an upheaval of the greater middle east, and appalling human and strategic costs.” Let’s analyze this point by point.

Our enemies have not only been emboldened but have used our Iraq intervention to increase their numbers and train their men. Explosion of euphoria? Check.

Our enemies in Afghanistan have used their comrades’ successes in Iraq as a model for taking on the U.S., Iran has now become a very powerful force in the middle east by denouncing the U.S., Saudi Arabia is producing almost half of the insurgents in Iraq, and attacks against Israel have been ratcheted up since the Iraq invasion. ME upheaval? Check.

The United States’ credibility on the world stage has been greatly damaged by the failure to find weapons of mass destruction and the failure to stabilize Iraq before the insurgency and later on the civil war took hold. Formerly strong allies such as France, Germany, and Spain have abandoned the U.S. in Iraq. Appalling strategic costs? Check.

The total human death tolls from the 2003 invasion, war against the insurgency and Civil War in Iraq are as follows:

-Estimated Old Iraqi Army/Insurgency Dead: Between 19,594 and 24,009
-Iraqi Security Forces (Police and Army) Dead: ~8,600
-Coalition Forces Dead: 4,004 (3,707 U.S. soldiers)
-Contractors: 1,002
-Civilians, Diplomats, Government Officials, Etc. Dead: Between 392,979 and 942,636 (46% of those deaths’ causes listed as “unknown”.)
-Total dead: Between 426,179 and 980,251. Appalling human costs? Check.

Sometimes you have to man up and admit a loss. Move on. Yes things will be worse if we leave but our continued presence in Iraq is not helping make things better for our eventual withdrawal. Contrary to this administrations strategy, we can not afford, neither financially, militarily, or emotionally afford to just throw troops and money at Iraq and hope the other guys run out of each before we do.

Bush, in the middle of his comparison to Vietnam, pulled his favorite card and said that “we’re fighting them over there so we don’t have to fight them over here.” The North Vietnamese didn’t follow us home. There was no massive, McCarthy-esque communist invasion of the United States killing millions. The smart thing for whoever wins the Iraqi Civil War to do would be to silence opposing views, stabilize the region, and install their own government, just like the NVA did in 1975. Even if they want to, the terrorists will have neither the time nor the resources to follow us home. “Oh no Woozie, that’s bull crap, they will follow us home. Things are different this time.” Exactly!

Comparisons between the current conflict in Iraq with those against Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan are unfounded and a waste of time. They are different enemies, in a different time, with different strategies, and most notably different end results. The Germans and Japanese accepted defeat, the people we’re facing now will only accept defeat with death, and that is central to th reason why we can not win in Iraq.

The only reason comparisons between Iraq and Vietnam can be made now is because these two conflicts have unfolded virtually parallel to each other. There are so many similarities, large and small, that to assume different opportunities and a different outcome this time around would be na ve. The Vietnam War and the ongoing War in Iraq are virtually one in the same.

There is no point in pushing this argument on President Bush, his ears are closed to anything that does not please him and support his views which explains why Gen. Petraeus’ September report will show great progress and recommend the U.S. stay in Iraq for the long haul. No, instead this argument should be presented to the people to ensure something like this never happens again. Responding to “so-called experts” arguing the point above, President Bush said, “sometimes the experts get it wrong.” Yeah, well sometimes they get it right too.

Finally, towards the end of his speech George Bush implied that critics of this war requesting a withdrawal of U.S. forces are unpatriotic terrorist sympathizers. Now I know that this administration is severely lacking in the morals department, but this is disgusting even fore them. How dare this man, if you can call it that, imply I hate the United States when he has never even met me? When he does not know me as a person?

There is little one can do that is more patriotic than question their government. At the time being, ours is one of few in the world that allows such freedom. If you don’t mind, allow me to exercise that incredible right by telling United States President George W. Bush to go fuck himself for having the audacity to slap millions of Americans with a blanket label of being unpatriotic because they are exercising their rights.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

This is Madness…

I’m bored. I can’t really figure out what to post. Nothing interesting has come up. The media is still raping a dead horse by reporting on Hurrikkkane Dean 24/7 (who watches CNN for weather?). They do have th e first part of that 3 part God’s Warrior’s special on tonight, I recommend it so you can laugh at idiots.

You know, I can’t believe this madness. Only 6 days until senior year starts. I feel kinda old. The new building will be ready in January, two weeks after second semester starts. So after we finally get used to the layout of our classes in the old building, we have to do it again in a new building. Maybe the military designed this, you know what they say about military intelligence. (And I have a good idea for a video about the new building, soon as I figure out how to work this newfangled JewTube contraption.)

I can’t really say I feel old though, I still do immature crap. Like right now I have to go work on a portrait of Adolf Hitler for art class. Trust me, it’s no ordinary picture and of course I will post it once it’s done. Here’s some more madness for you to enjoy.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Rhyme Time 2

Bay:Pray:Betray:Fray:Spray:Decay: Toupee: Sleigh: Gay:Essay:

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Spirit of St. Louis

In May of 1939 a ship, the St. Louis, filled refugees sailed from Hamburg, Germany to Cuba seeking asylum. After members of the Cuban government could not come to an agreement on how much to charge the refugees to come ashore, they were turned away.

Then the St. Louis headed for the land of opportunity, where they were again denied asylum by President Franklin D. Roosevelt. The third nation they sought help from, Canada, also refused to aid the people on the ship. Finally, the refugees were granted their asylum by England, France, the Netherlands, and Belgium. It is estimated that of the 968 Jewish refugees on the St. Louis, 227 of them were killed in the Holocaust.

After World War II the slogan “Never Again” was adopted to refer to the Holocaust and by extension any genocide in history, such as the Armenian genocide and of course the current one in Darfur. Much like the desperate souls on the St. Louis, refugees from Darfur will go to any length to save their lives.

Recently Darfur refugees have been escaping through the country’s northern border to Egypt with the hope of eventually reaching Israel. In Egypt, they are ridiculed, discriminated against, beaten, and routinely fired upon by Egyptian border guards. In one incident, a refugee group was fired upon because a crying baby broke their silence. The wounded included a nine year old girl, and the only two dead were a woman and her 7 month old fetus. Surely the Israelis, of all people, would understand the desperation of escaping genocide.

After allowing a few Darfur refugees to take jobs in Israel, the nation born from the Holocaust has been faced with a large illegal immigration problem. The solution? Put the ones there now in refugee camps, and pressure Egypt-the country that shot at them-to take the Sudanese back. It doesn’t end there, by the way.

In the past six weeks the Israeli government has put 50 refugees on trial in a military court for infiltrating Israel, since they consider the Egyptian border a military zone. Men and childless women were sentenced to one year in prison for escaping genocide.

Hmph, “Never Again”, what a load of crap.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Closet Space

This is a billboard in New York City advertising Manhattan Mini Storage, whose billboards have seemingly always had a liberal political spin to them. But for some reason this one is getting centipedes in the collective vagina of NYC.

Bill Donohue, graduate of the Aryan University of Fascism at O wi cim, and his fellow fascists at the Catholic League are being especially obnoxious about this advertisement, calling it “trashy and vulgar.” But the real joy came when der F hrer himself spoke on the issue. He was quoted as dictating that the “insulting and highly offensive” advertisement is “stepping on dangerous turf” that these liberal elitists like to call the ‘First Amendment’.

Okay, so it’s a billboard referencing abortion, with a picture of a wire clothes hanger on it. What’s the big deal? I don’t see how people can be offended by this advertisement. You’ll have to forgive me if I’m a little desensitized towards messages that are supposed to be offensive, this has happened before. Let’s take a look at the last message I was presented with, shall we?You know, after having something this tasty shoved down your throat a billboard really isn’t all that bad.

Friday, August 17, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: Say Your Prayers and Eat Your Cyanide!

Jose Carranza is a man, biologically speaking, who entered the United States illegally, was charged with raping a five year old girl, and then while out on bond executed four college students behind an elementary school in Newark, NJ.

Now you may be asking yourself, what could possibly drive a man to not only rape a 5 year old girl, but execute four young adults whom he barely, if at all, knew? It’s a senseless crime, surely something made him commit these atrocities.

Well The Tome of Communism’s award-winning journalists may have found what drove Carranza to surrender his humanity. You may want to hide the children because this could damage their psyche. The thing that made Carranza commit these crimes is:Hulkamania! Now this publication’s initial reaction was that this was just an isolated incident of Hulkamania gone wild, what happens when the immense power of the 24 inch pythons is left unchecked by such unsung heroes as Bill Goldberg and The Rock. But these stills from a movie about a cloudless September morning tell a different story.All those years when the so-called American hero Hulk Hogan told his opponents “whatcha gonna do, when Hulkamania runs wild on you?” he was warning us of his coming attack! The cocky bastard was telling us to watch out for his terrorist wrath! He wanted us to say our prayers because we infidels need all the help we can get from our false idol. And the vitamins? Cyanide. For the love of freedom, take that Centrum out of your mouth!

Upon further examination of Osama bin Hogan, The Tome of Communism noticed several interesting ‘coincidences’ regarding the man with the blond handlebar mustache. For example, OBL’s trademark colors are red and yellow. What else is red and yellow? Oh I don’t know, maybe the flag of the Soviet Union? We are currently searching for pictures or video of OBH and Nikolai Volkoff together, possibly eating orphans.

Also, the first line of his trademark theme song “Real American” (more like Real Soviet) is, and I quote, “when it comes crashing down and it hurts inside.” When what comes crashing down Mr. Hogan, when what comes crashing down? The barrage of 500 pound bombs from a B-52 blowing your secret Miami terrorist cave network to dust? Oh that’s right. America, fuck yeah. Osama bin Hogan, you are On Notice.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

The Q Word


Interesting. What could have possibly changed in those 9 years from the comments to the 2003 invasion of Iraq and kick start of Vietnam Part II? No wait, don’t say it-let me guess. The administration’s response, if any, will begin with the words, “In a post-9/11 world…” Stop right there, stop right fucking there.

There is no such thing as a post-9/11 world. Things changed here, but not a damn thing changed worldwide. The French woke up on September 12th and they were still French. The Iraqis woke up on September 12th and they were still Iraqis. Americans woke up on September 12th and we were (understandably) bloodthirsty but unfortunately vulnerable to manipulation from a group of men willing to take advantage of a tragedy. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, the world does not revolve around the United States of America.

First in 1994 Dick Cheney, bar none one of the most powerful men in American history, predicted exactly what did happen when he and his boss had their Christian army invade a Muslim land. And then one of the nation’s most under appreciated presidents and oddly enough the current one’s father, said the following:

Whose life would be on my hands as the commander-in-chief because I, unilaterally, went beyond the international law, went beyond the stated mission, and said we’re going to show our macho? We’re going into Baghdad. We’re going to be an occupying power — America in an Arab land — with no allies at our side. It would have been disastrous. We don’t gain the size of our victory by how many innocent kids running away — even though they’re bad guys — that we can slaughter. … We’re American soldiers; we don’t do business that way.

This administration’s ineptitude ranges from embarrassing to pathetic. If the journalists fear mongers in the media have any balls they’ll bring this up at the next Presidential news conference. Who knows, maybe during the year(s) they were planning a war in Iraq, Cheney “didn’t recall” his dead-on prediction from 9 years ago. Or maybe he’ll pull out the ol’ Chewbacca Defense; I don’t know.

This is why Bush and Cheney need Karl Rove, he would have had the original video tape destroyed and maybe even the guy who found it killed.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

The Audacity of Common Sense

Last night I was watching Larry King Live because Bill Maher was the guest and I really like his HBO show Real Time. One of the questions thrown his way was about Barack Obama, specifically the comments he made about going after Osama bin Laden in Pakistan and how everyone else jumped all over him for that.

Right now the U.S. is bogged down in Iraq-where bin Laden never was, and in Afghanistan-where he once was, but ran off. If bin Laden is smart then he is in Pakistan because no one has the balls to go after him there. The soldiers in the Pakistani army would likely be hesitant to shoot their fellow Muslims, and the U.S. wouldn’t dare invade “a steadfast partner…a force for freedom and moderation in the Arab world” despite the fact that Pakistan is not part of the Arab world.

Why are we so damn hesitant to go after Osama bin Laden when we know almost exactly where he is? We are aiming at the target and not pulling the trigger. What we need to do is have the President (no special envoy bullshit) sit down one on one with Musharraf and convince him this is not an invasion of Pakistan, this is a military expedition to kill a threat who takes pride in the wholesale slaughter of civilians and will kill anybody in his way, including Musharraf.

Maher called Obama’s comments the audacity of common sense, and if you ask me it is common sense to go after the asshole who has directly attacked the United States, not to mention killing thousands of civilians in other attacks. Why don’t we go after bin Laden? Why is America so unwilling to get the man whose expressed goal is to eliminate the United States and everyone in it not allied with him? It was President Bush who said “You know, I just don’t spend that much time on him…to be honest with you.”

Nappy Headed Hero

Everybody’s favorite kkkonservative idiot is back and better than ever. Don Imus, who was fired because CBS has such good moral standards has reached an undisclosed settlement with his former employers on Imus’ threatened $120 million breach-of-contract lawsuit. Probably because CBS knew they violated his contract and would lose in court, unless Uncle Ruckus Al Sharpton was on the jury.

So after presumably netting 40 million dollars (how much the contract was worth), rumor has it that Imus is even negotiating with ABC to get his radio show back. Now that’s a great American story. A man with everything loses it all, and then gets it back. Have Brad Pitt play Don Imus and I think we may have next summer’s first blockbuster. I can see it now, “IMUS: A Tale of Money, Hos, and More Money”.

Seriously though, he’s not really my hero. I only find it admirable that he was fired for exercising his right to free speech, beat the people who fired him, and now may even get his radio show back. Yes he’s a loud mouth, annoying, racist, sexist, ugly, stupid jackass, but he shouldn’t have been fired in the first place, and because of that he’s rich(er) and getting his job back. Talk about a comeback.


In Conclusion:

I was finally going to do a post on the Logo debate from last week, but it was last week and kinda boring (dancing around the questions, repeating “civil unions” a lot), so fuck it.

Listen to Bob Marley

Tell your friends about The Tome of Communism

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

In Communist China…

Well I don’t know if it’s considered normal to kill toys, but as a family we love doing that. One time we bought my then 28 year old brother a stuffed talking teletubby (the red one, communism unintended) as a gag gift for his birthday.

He was so mad he threw it in the street and ran over it with his car. And then he ran over it again. And again. And again. And again. Then he stopped on the poor teletubby, put on the handbrake, and spun the tires on its torso.

Then a few days later I doused it in lighter fluid and burned it. That didn’t turn so well; the red skin melted almost immediately so it was just an unrecognizable ball of charred cotton and some wire. It lost a lot of comedic value, so I threw it away. But aside from that, Sledgehammer + Anything Destructible + ??? = Profit!

But now the toys are striking back! Everything coming from China seems to have melamine, antifreeze, or lead in it. I think I can predict what’s next – a recall of Chinese people because they have Ebola. You’d think someone would do something about all these defected Chinese products, I’d think people would have had enough when they found out antifreeze was in their toothpaste. I don’t know about you but that would piss me off.

But you know how the media is when it comes to making people crap their pants, this recent rash of problems isn’t all that serious considering hundreds of billions of dollars in cram from China comes here each year. Start worrying when your Chinese television catches fire, the Chinese fire extinguisher doesn’t work, your Chinese cell phone can’t get a signal so you have to send smoke signals, and the Chinese fire truck at the fire department won’t start because somebody put all the truck’s antifreeze in the break room’s store brand soda.


In Conclusion:

I think Rudy Giuliani is going to have a stroke unless a democrat says the words “Islamic terrorism”. Keep your damn mouths shut everyone.

Listen to Jimi Hendrix

Tell your friends about the antifreeze-free Tome of Communism

Monday, August 13, 2007

Turd Blossom

Believe it or not, Turd Blossom is one of W’s nicknames for former Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove. Now unfortunately MC Rove wasn’t arrested and indicted for the Valerie Plame bit, rather he is resigning at the end of August.

Turd Blossom claims that his resignation was not forced. Just because Bush didn’t tell him to go to hell for not accepting Jesus Christ as his personal savior doesn’t mean it wasn’t forced. He outed an undercover CIA agent and was not charged with anything despite him rather obviously committing a crime.

And then KKKarl refused to testify about the eight U.S. Attorneys fired because they were a little too left of Nazism, citing “executive privilege”. Which, if you ask me, is grossly unconstitutional considering it violates the 14th Amendment which guarantees equal protection under the law. Why couldn’t I cite educational privilege when I held a knife up to that guy’s neck?

People are making this out like this is big news, and to a certain extent it is. But nothing is going to change from this. Come September 1st Bush will still be an idiot, and the people will still think the autistic kids at the special school down the block could do a better than the U.S Congress. Rove says after he quits he’s going to write a book and become a teacher.

Now I know you’re thinking, “Who the hell would want to learn from Karl Rove? he’s like Dick Cheney except his heart works.” Well if I planned on getting into politics, selling drugs, and/or becoming a contract killer I’d attend every one of his classes. He seems to know a lot about getting away with crimes.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Smokin’ Cigarettes and Watchin’ Captain Kangaroo

This is why we can’t have nice things. Gays, My Balls, Hulkamania, and more coming up this week brother!

Friday, August 10, 2007

Little Negroes

This coming Monday at 10 PM season 3 of the ass kicking dark comedy Weeds premieres on Showtime. In case you’re retarded and haven’t seen the show, it’s about a rich suburban widow (Nancy) who has to sell weed to keep her lifestyle, and of course things go horribly wrong. Last I checked she’s got a bunch of guns in her face, her youngest son is being taken to Mexico by his uncle’s psychotic girlfriend, her oldest son is being arrested with a trunk full of his mother’s product (cops haven’t found it yet), and the DEA agent she had been has been killed by the Armenians holding the guns in Nancy’s face.

Only downside is it’s on Showtime but you can probably find seasons 1 and 2 on JewTube as well as the episodes of season 3 as they come out. To celebrate Monday, and because I don’t feel like being angry and rabid today, here’s my own version of the show’s theme song Little Boxes. It’s called Little Negroes and it is punch-your-balls-off racist:

Little Negroes in the Jungle
Little Negroes Made of Watermelon
Little Negroes in the Jungle
Little Negroes all the Same

There’s a Tall one and a Strong one
And one With a Monster Cock
And They’re all Made out of Watermelon
And They all Look Just the Same

And the Negroes in the Jungle
All Dropped out of High School
And They Were put in Cages
And They Came out all the Same

There’s Hobos and Dealers
And Second Degree Murderers
And They’re all Made out of Watermelon
And They all Look Just the Same.

Here’s the original if you really want it, but mine is better so don’t waste your time.



In Conclusion:

I recorded the democratic “debate” on the gay channel (Logo) last night to see how well they dance around the questions. I guess I’ll have something on that tomorrow.

If you listen to Fall Out Boy, please shoot yourself

Tell your friends about The Tome of Communism

Thursday, August 9, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: Bonds Hits 757

This morning our news colleagues at Comcast.net reported to us that Barry Bonds has smacked United Airlines Flight 666, a Boeing 757-300, out of mid air, sending it spiraling into the ground and killing everyone on board.

Bonds was reported as having turned a sickly green color and expanding to at least 10 times his normal mass, though family friends report that Bonds’ size at the time that he struck the aircraft is “only 1/3 of his size when he’s at critical mass.”

The baseball slugger was seen storming through the streets of San Francisco screaming “Barry Smash!” and leaping between buildings carelessly, putting the lives of many baseball fans, gays, and reporters at risk. The California National Guard was called in to subdue the home run king but Bonds smashed anything and everything in his way. In a press conference, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger remarked:

“My fellow Caleefornyans, dis is a tragic day in the heestory of Caleefornyah. Barry Bonds has gone behrzerk in San Francisco, zee city of Girly Men. I fear I must go to zis city of the Girly Men, and terminate this menace to Caleefornyah. I’ll be back.”

Governor Schwarzenegger was handed the following photograph of Bonds’ last known location just outside the city, taken by one of The Tome of Communism’s iCommunists on the street:At a presidential news conference in Washington, President Bush said that “our intelligence guesstimates that this can possibly be a terist attack, maybe even of the nucular kind.” A reporter with The Tome of Communism asked the president if he knew who was behind Bonds’ rage, he replied, “After spending time on The Google, I have deemed that the folks who let Barry outta his cage at the zoo was…uh… it was a couple of turbie tops from–Iran! Yeah that’s it.” Rumors are that the democratic congress will give the president full war powers and a blank check to go kick Iran’s freedom hating Muslim ass.

Upon hearing the news United Airlines executive Cynthia Hasenstab said only, “Damnit, not again…” in regards to the fact that this is the third United Airlines flight to be downed by a terrorist attack, the first two being Flights 93 and 175 on September 11th, 2001. No one knows why terrorists frequently target United Airlines for attacks; perhaps CNN’s Paula Zahn will investigate that after she’s done finding out if we’re safe on bridges and in coal mines.

And we have just confirmed that Governor Schwarzenegger has materialized in the heart of San Francisco’s Castro district, much to the delight of the neighborhood’s residents. Certainly there will be plenty of leather for the Governator to wear, and plenty of men willing to give it to him.

The Tome of Communism will continue to cover this story as more details come in.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Hillary Clinton is a Whore

It continues to amaze and disappoint me that Hillary Clinton is widening her lead over Obama, Edwards, and even the other people no one cares about. All this despite knowledge that the Senator has accepted at least $400,000 from lobbyists since her presidential campaign started, and will continue to accept more.

The other day at the YearlyKos convention which, according to Bill O’Reilly is a bunch of Nazi Klansmen complaining about freedom, Hillary Clinton defended her lobbyist ties with the following:

“A lot of these lobbyists, whether you like it or not, represent real Americans. They actually do. They represent nurses, they represent social workers — yes, they represent corporations that employ a lot of people.”

Naturally it got so quiet in there you could hear a Scientologist giving birth in the back. John Edwards responded by requesting a show of hands for people who had lobbyists working for them. You want to know how many hands went up in a room of 1,000 people?

Three.

HilDog, that’s .003%. You call that representative of the American people? I’m not a mathematician by any stretch of the mind but I know that’s a very small percentage. By the way, .003% of the U.S. population (300 million) is 900,000 people. Lobbyists only represent corporations and special interest groups, and never the American people because John Q. Public doesn’t sign their pay checks.

Isn’t is upsetting that the Democratic front runner-who is promising to “comprehensive government reform” and ban Cabinet officials from lobbying her administration-is just another whore? And nobody better dare complain about me calling the whore what she is. Hillary Clinton is selling herself and her services for money. I don’t know where you come from, but around here we call that person a whore. So don’t complain that I’m calling her a whore instead of a politician, it distracts from the issue at hand.

Mike Gravel, as crazy as he is, made a good point at the CNN/YouTube debate (with the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the nuts). If you want to know what someone’s administration is going to be like, then follow the money. The more they accept lobbyist money, the more likely they are to sell out and further fuck up the nation at a time when we can’t afford that. The whore also said in regards to her whoring:

“I don’t think, based on my 35 years fighting for what I believe in, anybody seriously believes I’m going to be influenced by a lobbyist or a particular interest group.”

Oh yeah? Then why did they give you the money? Lobbyists aren’t idiots, they give money to people who will address the wishes of their employers, it’s what they’re paid to do. Stop lying through your damn teeth, not all of us are that stupid. This whore is more of the same whoring we’ve dealt with for decades, except this time the whore has boobs so everything is supposed to be different.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

All I Got in This World is My Balls and My Word

The above quote is, of course, from Scarface right after Sosa throws Omar out of the helicopter and asks Tony if he’s a chivato like Omar was. And as we found out, Tony “[doesn’t] break ’em for no one.” Not even for Sosa.

This past weekend Congress went on their summer recess and the last thing on their desk before tickets to the Bahamas was a bill expanding “reforming” the NSA’s “terrorist surveillance program”. You know, the one from 2005 and 2006, the one that was a gross violation of the 4th amendment.

Needless to say the democrats folded, caved, bit the pillow, whatever you prefer, and pushed through W’s little bill letting the government read our emails and monitor our phone calls “to make America safer”.

Unfortunately the W Administration is the only one I’ve ever been old enough to analyze while it was holding the leash. So would some of you older folk mind telling me if Congress ever had any balls? And if they did, what happened to their balls?

For example, over the past two weeks all the Sunni members of the Iraqi parliament and several Sunni members of the cabinet have walked out because they were unhappy with PM Nouri al-Maliki’s government. The legislative guys over in Taiwan just recently got in a fistfight over a minor disagreement if I’m not mistaken. Why can’t this bag of wet, floppy cocks we call the U.S. Congress learn a lesson from their foreign counterparts?

We the people (well, you the people-I’m not 18, therefore my opinion is shit) elected these people to office to bring an end to the war, to reform Washington politics, to make the United States a better place for the people and a better place on the world stage. But it turns out we didn’t elect people, we elected a bunch of limp-wristed, football dropping douchebags who lied to get power.

“Oh we didn’t lie to you Woozie, we just can’t get anything done because the President vetoes everything, bitch bitch bitch…” Well guess what Congress, you too have veto power. How, you ask? Walk out. Block the doors, link arms, make noise, we shall not be moved. Get the people to notice you and join you. How’s anything going to get done if half of Congress is protesting and the other half can’t get in the damn Capitol?

And what are the police going to do? Arrest a bunch of civilians and 50% of this country’s legislative branch? For a little civil disobedience? That’s a violation of our right to freedom of assembly; it’s in the first amendment. At the very least it’ll show Dick, W, and the people that you guys aren’t fucking around anymore.

You see, this is why Congress will never get anywhere, never get anything they promised to do done. They have no balls. And since they have no balls, and they already broke their word, what else is there? What reason, no, what excuse do these pieces of shit have for keeping their jobs?

Monday, August 6, 2007

A Town Called Noble

There once was a town called Noble, Oklahoma
With cops so dumb you’d think they’re in a coma

One day the cops answered a house call
About a snake in a tree trying to maul

(whoop ass, take names, be a snake)

The snake was eating birds but he got stuck
So a cop pulled out his gun and with a bit of luck

He aimed and shot at the hissing beast
But he missed and shot again and he did not cease

(not exactly, he stopped after shot #2)

But then there were screams over by the lake
A little boy was dead and this was not a fake

The granddaddy screamed “The fuck is wrong with you?”
And the cops were so scared they took a poo

(in their pants that is)

But a gun is so boring, it’s so pass
Why not something fun, like a chainsaw, mmkay?

An investigation the P.D. chose to make
The cops on paid leave; no word on the snake.