2007 10 01 archive

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

…They Pull Me Right Back In

Well, so much for that break.

Any punk who’s even knows about the BAR can tell you that when you’re investigating a serious case, and the primary suspects want immunity, you do not give it to them. Otherwise, what is the point of investigating the case if your primary suspects get their immunity, and then admit to murder?

Everyone remembers the Blackwater shootings on September 16th. Mercenaries in Iraq protecting a convoy started firing (reasons differ depending on who you ask) and 17 Iraqi civilians wound up dead.

After the Iraqi government backed out of their claim that they would revoke Blackwater’s license, they then nicely asked the mercenaries to leave. I think you know what happened there. Now, the AP is reporting that the Blackwater guards, under investigation for murder, have been granted immunity by the State Department.Either the State Department has no respect for justice and decency, which is entierly possible considering the other bureaucracies do not, or the State Department is run by a clueless dumbass, which is entierly possible considering that the other bureaucracies are. And now supposedly the FBI is picking up the investigation. If the shooters already have immunity, then the point is…

Monday, October 29, 2007

I’m Back Nyugguh!

Okay, I’m not back quite yet. Thursday is the end of the schoolwork blitzkrieg, I should be able to post then. But everybody’s favorite cantankerous omnihateful old man, Colonel H. Stinkmeaner, certainly is. Do yourself a favor-make some popcorn, wake the chillun (children for you bougie white folk), gather ’round the computer, and watch “Stinkmeaner Strikes Back”. Funniest shit you will ever see:


Friday, October 26, 2007

This is Also Like Crack

All this past week I’ve been violently DVDA’d by homework, explaining the infrequent posting. But now that its the weekend, I have time to do things I haven’t had time to do this past week.

Time for what Woozie? Masturbating?

Haha, no, there’s always time for that. And I’m not spending any time with you hippies, either. Rather, I have another addiction to feed:Courtesy of The Orange Box. If you own a 360 or a good PC, go buy it, it’s balls-to-the-wall awesome. If you own a PS3, your rich ass has to wait until November 23rd. Think of it as Valve’s way of attacking the bourgeoisie, comrades. For those of you non-console/gaming PC owners (i.e. people who don’t matter) have fun with whatever you’re wasting your time doing, like teaching or open heart surgery. I’ve got more important things to take care of.

Maybe I’ll see your Sunday.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

London Calling

For months the mainstream media has been reporting administration officials saying that the Islamic Republic of Iran is supplying IEDs to various Iraqi combatants, and is currently seeking a nuclear weapon.

The United States Senate has essentially voted to label Iran’s Revolutionary Guard a terrorist organization (pending declaration by the State Department and/or the President).

Vice President Dick Cheney said the United States and other nations are “prepared to impose serious consequences” if Iran obtains a nuclear weapon.

The Pentagon has drawn up plans to strike roughly 1200 targets within Iran.

And now, as part of its budget, the United States Air Force wants millions of dollars to develop a bunker-buster bomb that can be fitted onto the B2 stealth bomber, which is nearly invisible on radar.

If Americans were not too preoccupied with watching Marie Osmond faint on “Dancing With the Stars”, perhaps they could do something, anything, to defend the country from the ill-advised, the inexplicably heartless, and the downright stupid in Washington. They are, for various reasons, intent on total conquest of the Middle East. Washington is taking itself down, and even more disturbingly, they are taking us down with them.

These “leaders” have failed to catch the man who killed 3,000 American civilians on our soil. These “leaders” have failed to stay united with critical European allies. These “leaders” have failed to reduce the potentially disastrous debt. These “leaders” have failed to keep the budget in a surplus. These “leaders” have failed to secure both of our borders.

These “leaders” have failed to solve the social security problem. These “leaders” have failed to ensure that every one of us is guaranteed affordable health care should we need it. These “leaders” have failed to promote peace abroad. These “leaders” have failed to protect and defend us. These “leaders” have failed to protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.

How can any American of good conscience stand aside and look at what is happening to this country?

Monday, October 22, 2007


Thursday, October 18, 2007

Colbert and Me

Nation, I remember just two short years ago, when this picture was taken of me on the streets. I was homeless, a drunk, a crack addict, I was 100 pounds overweight and $100,000 in debt to the Roach Fighting Rackets of my school. But all of that changed when I first laid my eyes upon the gospel, and saw the glorious light of truth.

This great, infallible, life-saving truth?

The Colbert Report.

Oh yes, that’s right. Stephen Colbert saved my life. Thanks to His soon to be “National Review” #1 Best Seller I Am America (and So Can You!), I straightened, or as I like to say heterosexualized, my path. After doing some…some things…, I finally paid my debt to the cockroach circuits, I lost the weight, and by following the twelve step process I freed myself of alcohol and crack addiction. And I developed a new addiction-an addiction to truthiness.

But like everything else the lieberal media ruined my truthiness and slipped so-called “facts” into it. What am I supposed to do with debased truthiness? There’s no buzz! Because of the debasement, I replaced the truthiness addiction with yet another one. An addiction to Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream! Yes nation, never before has so much Americana been crammed into one pint of creamy, flagaphilic goodness. Unless you’re talking about the extra-large bottle of Stephen Colbert’s Formula 401 for Women. That I’m not addicted to. Not yet anyway 😉 Call me Stevie!

Moving on nation, I am disappointed with this field of presidential candidates. Sure there’s the black guy, the woman, and the crossdresser, but where’s the real diversity America? I expect more out of the melting pot. I’m looking for the underrepresented “white, male, middle aged, Jesus trumpeting candidate” that most accurately reflects my views as a young black heathen.

Well, just a few nights ago, on the most prestigious basic cable late night news program in the 11:30 PM EST time slot, The Colbert Report, The Honorable Professor Dr. Stephen Tiberius “C-Train” Colbert, D.F.A., esquire officially announced that He is running for President of the United States of America!

Wooooo! He’s doing it! USA! USA! USA!

Currently Stephen Colbert is only on the primary ballot in South Carolina, since He is the favorite son of Charleston. But nation, if Stephen wins South Carolina, then we can spread The Stephen Colbert Supergravitastic Express across the states like a plague. A plague of freem.

That’s right nation, it’s going to be “morning in Colbert-ica” once again. Some may say that this post reflects a perverted man-love of Stephen Colbert. Well you know what? Being in perverted man-love with Stephen Colbert is being in perverted man-love with America, and what, I ask you, is wrong with that? America: perverted man-love it or leave it, comrade.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

A Tale of Three Nuns and a Shot Messenger

You may remember this past July, when the Archdiocese of Los Angeles settled 508 cases of sexually-abusive priests with $660 million in hush money, a record settlement. I, like most of you, probably wondered, “Where are they going to get 660 million dollars?”

Well about half is going to come from insurers (they have pedophile insurance?) and religious orders within the archdiocese, but I still wondered about where they were going to get the other half. It would be immoral to suck it out of the churchgoers, after all they’re innocent and some of them are even victims.

They can’t ask the Vatican, the Pope would get in an awful lot of hot water if he paid for a bunch of pedo priests in far off America. Also, all those jokes about him being in the Hitler Youth would come back. They can’t start selling indulgences again, King Leonidas would staunchly disapprove:A little bit of reformation humor for you. Whether or not you liked it, you’ll agree it’s better than the archdiocese’s perfectly moral, and very probable solution.

Enter Sister Angela Escalerda, an elderly disabled nun at the Sisters of Bethany convent in Santa Barbara. Sister Escalerda has been serving the largely impoverished area for 43 years of her 69 year life. She, who recently became partially disabled, and two other nuns currently volunteer in the convent full time.

Let me tell you that the archdiocese’s moral solution involves these nuns. Let’s play a game. In order to pay the $660 million settlement, the archdiocese is going to:

A) Force the nuns to prostitute themselves, $5 per blowjob, $50 per lay
B) Have the nuns be vendors of illegal drugs and firearms
C) Evict the nuns and sell their convent
D) Have the nuns siphon money from the church’s collection basket

If you guessed (C) then you’re absolutely right! They are going to evict elderly nuns, and sell their convent. And the nuns have to be out by December 31st of this year, six days after Christmas. I am by no means a Catholic, or even a Christian, but there can’t be a surer ticket to hell than evicting elderly, partially disabled nuns on Christmas.

They couldn’t think of anything else other than evicting nuns? What about taking some money from those 508 priests, bishops, and other church officials that loved the little children in the wrong way? Sure there’s not 300 million dollars there but there’s not 300 million dollars in that convent either.

And the messenger, Tod M. Tamberg, had to go and shoot himself in the foot by saying the following:

“The pain is being spread around…we’re losing our headquarters here, and none of the employees got a pay raise this year.”

Oh yes, we can’t forget the tragic suffering of the suits who don’t get their pay raise, and have to move their 2008 “Dilbert” wall calendar to a new office (provided “Dilbert” hasn’t been declared anti-Catholic). How selfish of these nuns to complain about losing their home.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Nixon in China

“We do not negotiate with terrorists. We put them out of business.”

Believe it or not, those words were not spoken by President Bush. They were, in fact, spoken by former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, in response to a truce offering from al-Qaida in 2006. It’s surprising that this quote has not entered the political lexicon, considering it sums up the War on Terrorism fairly well.

The short, simple sentences speak volumes about the short and simple solution to any problem faced by the United States-unilateral action. At least under this administration. This is a new, dangerous form of isolationism by which I mean this policy isolates the U.S. from its allies, and unintentionally does more harm to our national security than good.

But of course the real problem with this is quite bluntly stated. The unofficial policy of this administration is to avoid negotiations with terrorists in favor of “destroying” them. That is irresponsible and further harms our national security. Since it is unofficial policy to destroy terrorists, who are loosely organized and literally everywhere, many civilians are inherently going to be victimized and some even die, as evident by the War in Iraq.

Combine this with the doctrine of unilateral action against terrorists, and the more-often-than-not scenario of us being an outside force, and these factors by nature create terrorists. The country is invaded, a small group of rebels resist, civilians die, it gets blamed on “the invader” whether or not it’s their fault, and with death surrounding him on all sides and no other way out a former impartial civilian is now a terrorist. The War on Terrorism breeds terrorism.

Rather, the solution to the problem of terrorism is a “Nixon in China” moment. We need a President (not a diplomat or Secretary of State, a President) to sit down with our enemies, all of them, and talk out our issues to come to a peaceful solution to each individual problem that benefits all. But, by the same token, this President must appear to be a real hardliner against terrorism to avoid losing the support of the people. If the people don’t support the president in his or her diplomatic mission, then negotiations will be worthless.

Nixon’s 1972 visit to China turned out to be a very good thing for both the United States and the People’s Republic. Tensions were greatly eased and former enemies became new allies. Unfortunately it is not possible to do the same with all of our enemies, but we can certainly talk with most of them. Iran immediately comes to mind.

The War on Terrorism was an understandable knee jerk reaction to an unspeakable tragedy many would have thought impossible. But six years, 610 billion dollars, countless civilians, and 4000 American soldiers later, it is undoubtedly time for the War on Terrorism to end. Speaking broadly, this strategy has not worked, is not working, will not work, and must stop.

Monday, October 15, 2007


Anybody remember back in the late 90’s when everyone had Pokemon cards? Okay well maybe it was just us in elementary school but either way you have to know what I’m talking about.

This is Slowpoke, and Slowpoke was slow, physically and mentally speaking. Slowpoke was also a useless piece of crap, sort of like Patrick Star from Spongebob Squarepants. Nobody wanted Slowpoke because the poor…thing was just a waste of space.

I’m dwelling on Slowpoke because of this announcement by Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. She proclaimed, after speaking with Israel, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, and totally shutting out Hamas and Hezbollah because “we do not negotiate with terrorists”, that it is now time for a Palestinian state.

Welcome to 1948, Ms. Rice.

Just last week the house of representatives passed a non binding resolution, calling the mass killing of Armenians by the Ottoman Empire a genocide. It took them 92 years. In 2005, Hurricane Katrina devastated the Gulf Coast and flooded much of the city of New Orleans. The government promised to help. It took them weeks to send significant assistance, and more is still needed two years later.

After ousting Saddam Hussein’s regime in Iraq, a small insurgency sprouted up. It took the U.S. so long to respond that by the time they did it was too late to crush it. In retaliation for the 9/11 attacks, the United States invaded Afghanistan. It took them two months to get boots on the ground.

Though the U.S. has responded slowly to world events in the past, it certainly seems that the government has responded slower to more events in the past seven years. Their responses to crises are almost always delayed for a whole host of reasons, but the important thing is that their delayed reactions further amplify the problems faced by the United States. Washington is no place for procrastination.

Above all, the next president needs to be able to organize and respond to events quickly and effectively. If they let these problems fester, it will not matter how good their ideas are because they will not work. Please, please learn from the mistakes of this pathetically, embarrassingly, shamefully, openly incompetent administration. We as a nation can not stand even another four years of Slowpokes.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Deliver Us From Stupid

Sean Hannity is a fucking idiot. Guys like Lou Dobbs and even Bill O’Reilly have the mental capacity for intelligent debate, it’s just that the former blames everything on “illegal aliens” and “communist China” and the latter, well the latter just yells at everybody and calls them liberals. But Bill O’Reilly hasn’t proven his stupidity to me. Sean Hannity, on the other hand, is just a fucking idiot all around.

I’ve always known the general truth regarding Sean Hannity’s fucking idiocy (especially considering he is a Giuliani supporter), but I decided I would watch an episode of Hannity and Spineless Liberal Pussy last night, and what an episode I chose to watch. Their first segment (15 minutes) was about Al Gore, the UN panel on Climate Change, and their shared Nobel Peace Prize.

That fucking retard Sean Hannity actually tried to devalue the Nobel Peace Prize because Yasser Arafat and Mikhail Gorbachev each won one, but the God-King Reagan did not. Senator Vito Fossella (R-NY) was there to back up everything that fucking idiot Hannity said. The two even said they wouldn t “want an award that has been given to a terrorist.” Don t worry guys; I don t think they ll consider you.

Never mind that Theodore Roosevelt, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., UNICEF, Mother Teresa, and Nelson Mandela have all won Nobel Peace Prizes-just because of a durka-durka towelhead terrorist and a godless commie heathen, that flaming idiot believes the prize is as valuable as a football-sized turd. And that fucking dumbass Hannity ran a couple of clips of Al Gore screaming about the Bush administration lying and what not, as Hannity asked “Does this look like a peaceful man?”

Yes. Yes he does. You will notice, if your brain weren t hopelessly clogged with stupid, that Al Gore never once advocated violence against the Bush Administration. He is simply angry. Anger does not equal violence, one can be peacefully angry. A prominent example of peaceful anger is often termed “non-violent resistance”. It s okay, this is something Your Dumbassness would not understand considering your solution to everything is to bomb the hell out of it and then accuse “the left” of being domestic terrorists.

That idiot Sean Hannity and the equally retarded (although more literate) Sen. Fossella actually suggested the United States Armed Forces should win the Nobel Peace Prize. How can a group, whose job it is to kill people, win a Nobel Peace Prize? To me, that would only be possible if the military s killing of people was achieving a far greater good, like stopping Nazi Germany.

However, does further destabilizing the Middle East, igniting a civil war fueled by hundreds of years of bottled up tension, and removing the one man that balanced Iranian power in the region sound peaceful to you? Why do you want the military receiving a turd of an award that has been given to a terrorist anyway?

Then after the Al Gore public lynching, Sean God Damn Motherfucking Hannity and that fat fuck David Horowitz started complaining about Iran executing 4,000 gay people. Yeah like the republican party, the same party that wanted to amend the Constitution to say “NO FAGIT MURRIGE” cares about homosexuals. I suppose slavery is immoral, but niggers still have to sit in the back as well. I digress.

What could possibly cause Sean Hannity s rampant, savage, and profound retardation? Maybe he has a crayon stuck in his brain, I don t know. What is known is that Sean Hannity s astounding retardation knows no bounds. This enigma of stupid, with his own television show, syndicated radio show, and two books mind you, will likely continue to baffle psychologists for years to come. If God exists, then Sean Hannity is the forgotten, moldy leftovers from the creation of humanity.

Sean Hannity is the poster child for Social Darwinism, and I want you to pray to God, Allah, and even the Flying Spaghetti Monster that Sean Hannity s audience will forever be the handful of right wing idiots like him who believe the gospel, and the people who watch to laugh at his profound retardation. If the former part of Hannity s audience ever expands, even Captain America might not be able to save us.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Some Things I Don’t Care About

Gore ’08-I am happy Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize. He deserves it for his work toward solving the problem of climate change and making it a more important political issue. But how many times must you people hear it-Al Gore does not want to run for the presidency of the United States. And why would he? The Bush Administration and the Congresses under it have so savagely raped the U.S.-economically, diplomatically, militarily, and politically-that no sane person could possibly want the presidency in 2008.

Princess Diana’s Death-Diana, Princess of Wales was the incestuous ex-wife of the possible heir to the figurehead throne of a second rate former empire. And every time something remotely linked to her happens, it makes the news. Why do you people care so much about her? It’s been more than ten years, get over it!

Anna Nicole Smith-Oh my god will you people shut the hell up about this woman? I was flipping through a magazine that said she “embodied the American dream.” What the hell? Anna Nicole Smith embodied pizzas, painkillers, and silicone. It’s unfortunate that her daughter will grow up without her mother, but other than that I care more about the welfare of a cockroach than I do about Anna Nicole Smith. Another blonde with big fake boobs-a penny per dozen.

Carol Anne Gotbaum-This woman was acting a fool in an airport, throwing her PDA at people and screaming at them. The cops took her down, and put her in a holding cell. Whatever deity you believe in could not have predicted that woman would be so dumb/depressed as to strangle herself with her own handcuffs. Something tells me it’s standard procedure to detain someone who’s screaming hysterically and throwing things in an airport, not sit down and talk out her issues over a frappuccino. And no CNN, it couldn’t happen to me because I don’t act a damn fool in airports.

Ted Kennedy’s Blocked Artery-He’s an old, fat congressman. What did you expect?

Now I know this post is titled “Some Things I don’t Care About”, but this I do care about. Rarely does a news organization post stories that are truly worth the time of the American people; stories that are truly news worthy. This, ladies and gentlemen, this is news:Captain America Lives!!!!!! If anybody can stop Bin Laden, secure Iraq, and save the United States, it’s Captain America! WOOOOOO! Come on everybody! USA! USA! USA!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007


Ah, lapelgate. A stupid name for an equally stupid controversy.

The other day, democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama (whose name is Ba Rack Alabama according to spell check) said in an interview that the American flag lapel pin has become a substitute for true patriotism. Obama told the interviewer that “I decided I won’t wear that pin on my chest. Instead, I’m going to try to tell the American people what I believe will make this country great, and hopefully that will be a testament to my patriotism.”

Though I’m more leaning towards Ron Paul in the
presidential race, Obama has it spot on. Wearing a five cent, made-in-China lapel pin that you bought for $1.05 at the dollar store does not show true patriotism. All that shows is how someone sheepishly follows the crowd, wearing a pin because after 9/11 that somehow became a standard.

However, Senator Obama’s patriotism is still up in the air to me, because I’m hearing him talking about doing all of these great things, but that’s it. I haven’t see
n him do any of these things in the Senate, which is an immense problem for this do-nothing Congress. Speaking great things is important, but if you don’t do them, especially when it’s your job, that undermines what you say.

Congress members find it a requirement to wear their lapel pin because they want to look like patriots even though they’re not. They’re not. If they were real patriots they’d get of their old dusty asses and actually pass legislation to help the country, rather than voting to censure an ad with a bad pun in it. And no I will never let that go. That vote was embarrassingly, profoundly retarded and
congress should be ashamed of itself, if not for everything else they’ve failed to do.

But leave it to
Dumbass and Colmes over at Fuck’s News to avoid the deeper and more meaningful implications of what Obama had to say, and just claim that he hates America. A professional crazy bitch whose name I won’t mention said that wearing an American flag lapel pin “matters something to our troops who are in harm’s way.” When IEDs are going off and bullets are whizzing by their heads, I’ll bet the troops are thinking “Obama is hurting my feelings.”

And another professional bitch on Fuck’s News said one of the things that really got to her was the “‘I will not wear that pin'” which “sort of reminded [her] of the ‘I didn’t have sex with that woman'”. And the fatass she was talking to said that Obama is “disrespectin
g the American flag” and “appealing to a hard left audience, that’s the only way he can catch up with Hillary Clinton.” Though national polls show Clinton with a strong lead, the race is an essential three way tie in Iowa and New Hampshire, the only states that matter. Sorry fatass, but you couldn’t have been more wrong.

And no I am not done yet. Another fatass with nothing better to do said that, and I quote, Obama “felt it okay to come out of the closet as the domestic insurgent he is. The democratic party is coming out of the closet as the domestic insurgency and the domestic enemy.”

But the best thing about this about this entire Fuck’s News situation? None of them are wearing American flag lapel pins.

From left to right, Fatass #1, Professional Bitch #2, Professional Bitch #1, Fatass #2.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

The Real 9/11 Coverup

No, this isn’t some conspiracy theory about how Austin Did WTC (everyone knows it was Hulkamania). It’s about an article I read a little while ago in Discover magazine. A great magazine, you should subscribe to it. Anyway, the article wasn’t about 9/11 conspiracy theories that have been long discredited, it was about the dust cloud following the collapse of both towers, and to a lesser extent, WTC 7.

The people who were caught in the cloud and those that were part of the cleanup eventually developed the “9/11 Cough” which some wore as a badge of honor. That is, until it turned into lung cancer. The people with 9/11 Cancer are upset, and some have filed a class-action lawsuit, claiming they were misled when the city told them the air was safe to breathe.

I could type up a long post about this, but I’m going to get right to the point. What the hell possessed these people that day to make them believe the city when they said that air full of pulverized:

-Office Equipment
-People, etc.

was safe to breathe? I know hindsight is 20/20, but let me drop everyone here a hint-when it’s a sunny Tuesday morning and the air is so thick you can’t see two feet in front of you, the air is not safe to breathe. And I don’t care what happened that day, nothing is so traumatic that you lose your common sense, especially knowledge that common.

Nobody wraps their mouth around a smokestack because the old and cunning men at the factory say the air is healthy. How retarded do you have to be to believe opaque air is safe to breathe? Retarded enough to believe Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11? It’s a possibility.

In Conclusion:

I missed the two year anniversary of The Tome of Communism online on the 6th. oh well. happy anniversary, woo.

Watch the Cowboys get their asses beat into a fine paste by New England next week. Maybe Tony Homo will pull another Rex Grossman and throw 5 interceptions and lose a fumble.

You can really watch the Boondocks trailer here. No Rickroll, I promise.

Tell your bourgeoisie friends about The Tome of Communism

Monday, October 8, 2007

Vocabulary Lesson/Powerful Niggardry

First, I have something to say regarding yesterday’s post. Let me expand everybody’s vocabulary:

Bel-Air (or Bel Air)
Etymology: English, from “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air”
1. When someone takes a story and replaces the last part of it with the lyrics to “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” theme song, usually starting with “my mom got scared” or, alternatively, “I whistled for a cab”.
2-Noun: A story that has been Bel Aired
-See Also: Rickroll

I didn’t go to church yesterday, I didn’t talk with a pastor yesterday, I didn’t whistle for a cab but when one came near the license plate said “fresh” and had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought nah forget it, “Yo, home to Bel Air!” I pulled up to a house about seven or eight, and I yelled to the cabbie “Yo, home smell you later!” Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there to settle my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.


Tonight season 2 of the ass kicking show The Boondocks premiers at 11:25 PM 9EST) on Adult Swim. If you aren’t watching this satirical show about black America, please kill yourself because you are wasting your nights. Seriously, it’s that good. Here’s a poem by the series’ best character, Uncle Ruckus-a self hating black man.

Powerful Niggardry

There is Powerful Niggardry at work here
An’ it’s gettin’ stronger year after year
Big lips, 40 ounces, chickens, and fleas
Only thing worse would be them chingy chang Chinese

I hear screams of “Save us Ruckus, with your Irish blood!
Niggas comin’ in droves since that N’awlins flood!”
I got re-vitiligo, opposite of what Michael Jackson got
I might look like a farm tool, but my nigga hate burns white hot

Ingrates runnin’ fast with their big monkey feet
Runnin’ for a white woman to skeet skeet skeet
Watch yourself white woman, the apes is on the loose!
All them niggas is GUILTY! I brought the noose!

Don’t worry, I’ll save you from this nappy headed scare
I made me a Scare Nigga ta’ keep porch monkeys from your lair
I got me one wish though, my good white mates
I wanna go ta’ White Heaven, an’ see the Gipper at the Gates.


If you have the time, you can watch the trailer here. (Warning: They say “nigga” a lot.)

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Adventures at Church

I’ve never been a very religious person.

This was probably born out of my parents’ hatred for church, primarily because it’s about as exciting as a hernia. The pastor drones on about this and that, nobody’s paying attention, and there’s the little kids who, if they aren’t asleep, are picking their noses and rubbing it on your back.

Anyway, a friend of mine has been bugging me to go to his church, a black church, for about as long as he’s known I don’t care for religion. I don’t know if he was trying to convert the heretic, or just trying to convince me that church isn’t boring. Either way, last week I broke and told him I’d be there.

I just got back half an hour ago, and let me tell you, it was amazing. I was just at a loss for words. The atmosphere was great, the pastor’s sermon was incredible, everything was just great. I left that church a new person, ready to devote my life to God and to His will. All in all, a great morning.

I was going to get a ride home from my friend’s family, but I had spent too much time talking with the pastor and they couldn’t wait anymore. I told them they could go; I wanted to spend more time with this man, to learn more about God’s light.

When we were done, the pastor offered me a ride home but I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said “fresh” and had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought nah forget it, “Yo, home to Bel Air!” I pulled up to a house about seven or eight, and I yelled to the cabbie “Yo, home smell you later!” Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there to settle my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

The Stupid

West Palm Beach, Florida is in the southern part of the state’s peninsula. About 20% of West Palm Beach’s population is Latino. And some of the white people in West Palm are outraged that a car dealership, Earl Stewart Toyota, has advertised-in Spanish-on English language television!

Hundreds of Lou Dobbs Lemmings in southern Florida have been calling and emailing Stewart, telling him his ad is “unbelievable”, “stupid and insulting”, and that he is a “traitor and un-American” for daring to market to people around him.

What the hell is this? These old-ass xenophobic white people are living in south Florida, where the only people there, besides them, are gays and Latinos. Old-ass white people don’t buy Toyotas, they only drive equally old-ass Cadillacs. Who did they expect him to market to?

And that’s not all on the retard front. A McDonald’s employee, Louise Ogborn, was awarded 6.1 million dollars after a prank caller posing as a police officer ordered her to go in the back room and be subject to a strip search because someone accused her of stealing from a customer. During the search the manager’s boyfriend sexually abused Ogborn.

Helloooo? Knock knock dipshit, anyone home? Wouldn’t you think a strip search for being accused of stealing at a McDonald’s was just a little excessive? Wouldn’t you think your manager’s boyfriend forcing you to blow him for 3 1/2 hours was not company policy? Why didn’t you just bite him in the balls and run out?

Now take these shining examples of human intellect and put them together with the Americans who forgot when and where 9/11 happened and the Americans congratulating Canada on their National Igloo (one of whom is running for president) and I’d say that retardation is running rampant in the U.S.

If we had scientists who weren’t shut down by the Bible thumping government because they worked with stem cells, we should have researched whether or not stupidity is a virus. I am afraid it is too late for that now. The time for study has long passed.

The solution to the rampant spread of the Stupid? The United States must burn until its surface is but glass. Sounds excessive, but a single Stupid spore can destroy an entire species. The parasite is not to be trifled with. If we act fast we can contain this outbreak before it contaminates our entire planet!

And if you still don’t know that I’m talking about Halo 3, then you are culturally retarded. Go pick up a 360 already, will you?

Joking aside, stupidity is a very real threat to our collective well-being. Just think if one of the idiots mentioned in this post became a leader with the power to wage war.

To quote a friend, stay focused.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Americans are Stupid

You know, stereotypes are based in truth…


Wednesday, October 3, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: Congress Votes to Censure Big Mac

Following the Republican-led Congressional vote to censure MoveOn.org for its “General Betray Us” advertisement, and similar Democratic outrage about Rush Limbaugh’s “phony troops” comment, Congress will vote on whether or not to condemn McDonald’s for false advertisement of their “Big Mac” hamburger.

Senators Mitch McConnell (R-KY; Senate minority leader) and Harry Reid (D-NV; Senate majority leader) are cosponsoring the bi-partisan legislation declaring that McDonald’s shows a “gross and abominable lack of respect for the minds and stomachs of the American people” in their Big Mac posters and occasional television spots.

In a press conference, McConnell added, “Anyone who has ever ordered a Big Mac knows about the blatant false advertising. You walk into the restaurant, and see that big, juicy, perfect burger,” the Kentucky senator salivated, licking his lips, “and when you get one, it looks like it’s been stepped on, and the cheese is all over the place and just eww. It’s simply an abomination.”

Reid was busy gathering Democratic support for the bill, but his office released the following statement:

“In the marketing of their Big Mac sandwich, McDonald’s shows their true colors. A company once thought to represent all that is great about America has declared itself to be solely interested in producing fast, cheap food, contrary to their deceitful ads preying on innocents. This is a despicable act of corporate immorality, a slap in the face to America, and we as citizens cannot stand for it.”

This latest instance of Congress standing up for America is setting news outlets on fire. Fox News is slated to run a 2 hour special, entitled “Big Mac BS: How Terrorists are Terrorizing our Tummys”. Upon Mr. Dobbs’ return, CNN’s Lou Dobbs Tonight is scheduled to film an entire show uncovering “McDonald’s’ secret war on the middle class,” and their conspiracy with “illegal aliens and Communist China.”

President Bush called McDonald’s’ business practices “morally unresponsible” and promised he would not veto the Congressional legislation should it pass. Our sources tell us that the Pentagon is currently drawing up plans to tactically strike 1200 enemy McDonald’s restaurants should the President give the go ahead. Neither President Bush nor Defense Secretary Gates will comment.

The Tome of Communism will continue to cover this story as more details come in.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

The Revisited G.W.B.

Tomorrow we have to bring in a draft of one of our college admission essays. The two universities I’m considering are Howard, where I have a good chance of getting in, and UMD where I have a…smaller…chance of getting in. It was pretty clear which essay Maryland wants applicants to choose. The options are:

1. At the University of Maryland, we value a diverse community. How have your life experiences and background shaped you into an individual who will enrich the University of Maryland community?

2. If you could meet with any figure in time, historical or otherwise, who would it be and why? Describe your conversation. How has this person had an impact on you and your values?

3. Write a question of your own and respond to it. We encourage you to be thoughtful and creative.

My English teachers have always told me to “show, don’t tell” but I don’t have time. The first one is stupid and the second is cliche. They want applicants to do choice #3, which is the only choice for Howard. For a little bit during first period, I was wondering what I should do for my essay. I need something unique, highly creative, funny if possible. And then, a moment of genius-

The Notorious G.W.B.!

Sure I have to clean it up a bit, shorten it (essays have to be 500 words or fewer), and maybe make it a little more relevant to 2007, but other than that it’s perfect. If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to write a gangsta rap about our president. Georgie Georgie Georgie, can’t you see…

Monday, October 1, 2007

Of Christians and McCain

I love America.

Only here can a presidential candidate declare that a Christian should be in the White House and that the U.S. is a Christian state, and the same day have other denominations in a rage about his comments.

It takes a baboon to know that when John McCain unofficially declared his profound retardation, he was simply pandering to the profoundly retarded crowd before him. He made his comments in an online interview being broadcast to a pool of Bible thumping morons sitting at home guzzling down Doritos, also known as the republican base.

But throughout this fiasco, I’m impressed with something. The Council on American-Islamic Relations and the National Jewish Democratic Council both condemned McCain’s comments, meaning he has done something no presidential candidate has done in years, perhaps ever. John McCain united Jews and Muslims. Granted, they’re united around disgust toward McCain, but still united.

All the other candidates’ middle east policies tend to be “we love Israel, fuck the Palestinians.” If things keep going this way McCain’s policy could be “fuck them both.” Still not good, but better than the former.

In Conclusion;

Halo 3 consumed my homework time over the weekend. Now I really gotta do it. That’s okay though, the Flood is being a massive, centipede filled vagina on the 2nd-to-last level. Whoever wrote in those little turret things they have now should be given a Colombian necktie. Correction: Whoever designed that entire level should be given a Colombian necktie.

Listen to Jimi Hendrix (It’s spelled Jimi. Not Jimmy, not Jimmie. Jimi.)

Tell your friends about The Tome of Communism