Monday, December 31, 2007
2007 was a remarkably communist year for all things human. From the media idolatry of what was essentially a walking set of tits in the form of Anna Nikkkole Smith to Good Ol’ Al Gonzo falling victim to a dementia blitzkrieg in front of the Senate, Frank Sinatra put it best: It Was A Very Red Year.
Due to these concentrated levels of Communism-not seen since the violent, bloody gang rape of the Constitution in 2001-the Supreme High Alpha Commander of The Tome of Communism has orchestrated the first ever Greatest Fuck Up Awards Ceremony, sponsored by McDonald’s, the G.O.P., and HeadOn-Apply Directly to the Forehead!The winner(s) will receive an all-expenses-paid trip to the scenic home of glorious state-funded vacations since 1917, Siberia! Come for the sexy Ruskies and Ruskiettes, stay for the cock-and-ball torture!
The selection process was extremely challenging, and some controversial cuts may have been made. For example, Canada did not make this year’s list. Better luck next year, you Soviet bastards. Nonetheless, here are the nominees for “Greatest Fuck Up of 2007”!1. Dick Cheney for being Dick Cheney.
2. Barry Bonds for reaching Critical Mass and killing thousands.
3. Mitt Romney for being a lying, deceptive sack of deer turds.
4. Illegal immigrants for tuk’n ‘r jerbs!
5. The NAACP for trying to ban the word Nigger.
6. Communist China for trying to date-rape America’s children.
7. Pervez Musharraf for failing to provide a proven terror target with extra security and therefore being somewhat complicit in Ms. Bhutto’s assassination.
8. The FOX Network, for unleashing the spawn of Satan in the form of a partially scripted reality dramedy.
9. Tom Tancredo for being a stupid fuck.
10. The MCPS Grading System (FYI the third different system in four years). I miss one 15 point classwork assignment and my grade drops 10%? And it takes a month to get 5% back? The fuck?
11. George W. Bush for looking back at the Vietnam War and getting the message that we left too soon.
13. Larry Craig for allegedly reaching under the stall wall for a discarded piece of toilet paper. Picking up a mysterious TP sheet left by FSM-knows-who that has touched the notoriously filthy floor of an airport men’s room? Enjoy your anal warts Senator.
14. Hulkamania for executing four college students.
15. Hillary Clinton for being a corporate whore yet selling herself to millions as a vanguard of change.
16. The Seventh-Day Adventist cunt who took a dump on my front lawn.
17. Tom Tancredo for being a stupid, apocalypse preaching fuck.
18. Persians for mistaking their current location.
19. The United States Congress for being the most pathetic, cowardly, spineless, deer turd-resembling, borderline treasonous clusterfuck of incompetence this side of Mitt Romney and Benedict Arnold’s bastard spawn.
20. Andrew Erickson. Mr. Erickson spent a day completing a final exam for his Bristol Community College professor. He handed a CD with the exam on it to his professor, and thought that was that. That is, until he realized the CD he gave away did not in fact contain his exam, it contained his collection of child pornography. (Presumably convicted in 2007, so it still counts.)They all embody the spirit of failure so phenomenally, it is difficult for the lesser minded to comprehend and the greater minded to choose between the nominees. Therefore, they are all awarded the first-ever Greatest Fuck-Up of the Year Award! Congratulations to our miserable failures, and may 2008 be filled with at least a small glimmer of hope.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
You’ve seen their protests. You’ve listened to their chants. You’ve read their signs. But the one thing you haven’t witnessed is their musical talent.
From the producers of Never Gonna Give You Up and We Built This City, it’s Westboro Baptist Church: The Hits!A two disc compilation of the church’s impeccable musical talents, WBC: The Hits features over two hours of music from the Westboro Baptist Church’s world-renowned Choir of the Sodomite Slaying Baby Jesus. This two disc set contains over three hours of heterosexual, patriotic, Jesus-loving gospel for the whole family. This instant classic of an album features many of the group’s best songs, such as:
– Gomorrah, Fuck No!
– Fag Fought the Lord (and the Lord won)
– Faggot Child (Sodomic Return)
– Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Faggots
– Jumpin’ Jack Fag
– Fag Shot the Soldiers
– The Fag Comes Around
– KY Alley (a.k.a. The Faggiest Place in Town)
– Throw The Fag Down The Well
– Faggot B. Evile
– Merry Fucking Fagmas
– The Fag Spangled Banner
– All Along the Fagtower
– The F.A.G. Song
– Sunday Faggy Sunday
– Toe Tags For Fags
– A making-of documentary, Fags on a Plane: The Making of WBC: The Hits
– And much, much more!!!
Also, His Holiness, Fuhrer Fred Phelps I has allowed us to give this one time offer. When you order Westboro Baptist Church: The Hits off of the Internets, you will get a complimentary music video, disc signed by Fred Phelps himself, of the WBC’s latest hit God Hates the World!
69 God’s Righteous Hand Drive
Topeka, KS 69666
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Really the only pictures worth publishing from a trip to the National Gallery of Art with a couple friends and our art teacher (and her kids).These pictures actually took a bit of time to set up, trying to get everything needed into the picture, waiting for an opportunity where you could clearly tell it was the Canadian flag, and my camera kept getting a lens error whenever I zoomed in since it’s made of old Soviet tanks. It’s awkward standing on Constitution Avenue, about 1/2 a mile away from the Capitol, with your middle finger outstretched towards seemingly nothing.
Damn, we should have flipped off Congress. Oh well. Next time we go downtown, I won’t forget. We went to see the Edward Hopper and Turner shows. Hopper’s the guy who painted Nighthawks, the picture of the four people in the diner at night. Definitely his most famous painting, but really not his best.
Turner was kind of boring; we were all tired and we spent most of the time there reminiscing about Dexter’s Lab and commenting on this guy’s awesome mustache. We didn’t get a picture, but you can see an artist’s rendition to the left.
On our way back we stopped at McDonald’s for a snack, and wound up eating a whole bunch of fries. While walking the half-block or so to the metro station, we passed a toothless homeless woman dancing to the music playing during a car commercial, asking for “cheeseburger money“.
It was a good day.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Another assassination in the middle east.
Former Pakistani PM Benazir Bhutto, having recently returned from a self-imposed exile, was assassinated this morning (EST). Apparently after a suicide bomber detonated, she was shot in the neck, and later died at a hospital.
Never mind the enormous implications for Pakistani democracy, the region, and the U.S.; it baffles me as to why murders like this in the region are tolerated. Tracking back to 1995 assassination of Israeli PM Yitzhak Rabin (known for signing the Oslo Accords) and earlier, it seems as though the cutting down of popular leaders by fringe extremists is allowed to go unpunished, save for the usual legal proceedings against the actual assassin and occasionally the conspirators.
In short; where are the riots? The populist uprisings bordering on outright revolution against the oppressive few? Sometimes the people have to yell out the proverbial window “I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it anymore!”
The people behind the assassination of Bhutto and the people preserving the status quo (not necessarily related) are both few in number compared to the masses of people weary of repeated bloodshed and oppression. Sure the kings have the power, but their position atop the mountain in Pakistan is so politically precarious especially given the current situation, a baby could blow them out of the palace like he does his birthday candles.
Not to mention that if the people carried out such an uprising, and displayed their confidence, there’s an immense (temporary) asset in the form of the U.S. military waiting to root out al-Qaida. Of course once such a revolution is complete they would have to be extremely cautious regarding U.S. assertion of power over the young state, but that is another discussion for another day.
People adjust to gradual change, positive and negative, very well. But it is obvious milestones such as this morning’s assassination of a leader of the people that should not go unpunished by the wrath of the people she represented. Think of the nationwide riots after MLK was murdered. In the aftermath of Dr. King’s assassination there was a great opportunity for the advancement of black America. But this opportunity was missed in the aimless chaos; those riots showed entire generations afterward that violence is ultimately detrimental to the people’s wellbeing if it is not followed up by an implemented plan for longterm stability. Pointless, aimless violence-like the 1968 riots-hurts many and helps none.
Are there factors and consequences I am ignoring in this post? Definitely, otherwise I would be typing this all day today, and you would be reading it all day tomorrow. However, given what I have presented, the post-assassination situation in Pakistan is extremely volatile and perilous for all parties involved. Because of widespread fear and uncertainty regarding the near future, I reluctantly believe that the most important party of all-the common people-may miss this golden opportunity to secure the security and prosperity of themselves and their ‘prophets’. Democracy is rule by the people, after all.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Presidential debates are boring.
Usually it is not the fault of the moderator (except for those abysmal PBS debates 2 or 3 weeks ago) but rather the candidates. Their positions are so predictable. Not necessarily because the democrats always take liberal positions and the Republicans always take conservative positions (with the exception of Ron Paul), but because of their responses to wedge issues.
Wedge issues, most notably abortion, capital punishment, and gay marriage, are always dumped on the states, regardless of each party’s position. Candidates, especially Republicans, always use the mantra of “states’ rights” to defend their inability to take a firm position.
Don’t misconstrue this-I do believe that states require certain rights to preserve the integrity of the union and keep the federal government from becoming any more of a behemoth than it already is. But it seems to me that the trend if candidates dumping wedge issues onto the states is not truly because of their respect for states’ rights, but simply because they’re trying to dump the problem on governors and state legislatures rather than taking and defending a firm position.
Looking past the cowardice, leaving so many heated issues to the states could lead to a legislative nightmare, one even worse than the congressional gridlock ever since the democrats promised to make sweeping change in Washington.
For example, say Virginia chooses no to gay marriage, but Maryland accepts it. Would marriages made in Maryland be accepted in Virginia? Or if a woman got an illegal abortion in Virginia, but then sought sanctuary up north? Then what? Problems like this are already being dealt with on a smaller scale, like with Massachusetts and their gay marriages being recognized (or not) in other states.
Should this currently minor problem expand into many more issues in all of the states, 50 different states taking countless different positions on a multitude of issues would breed confusion and disorder in the nation. Considering the size of the United States, both in land area and population, we cannot afford such widespread legal confusion.
State/provincial rights are important to a large nation’s cohesion, but order is an equally important part. In order to have both in equal amounts, this nation needs a rational leader, aware of what responsibilities states should have, and what responsibilities the federal government should have.
This leader needs to be a charismatic man of the people, uniting the nation, and taking and defending a solid stance when needed. I have observed these qualities in nearly none of the candidates, many of them falling to pandering, spinelessness, and outright lying. How distressful.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Wow, I forgot Festivus? Me? Of all people?
By decree of the Premier of the Tome, Supreme Commander Nigra, December 24th shall serve as the primary day of Festivus celebrations for this year. In the spirit of Mighty Red Father, this year’s festivities will commence with the Airing of Counterrevolutionary Thoughts, immediately followed by the Feats of Execution.
Where is the Festivus pole, you ask? Bah, poles are for the bourgeoisie! Come, let us pass the Flask of Festivus, the true seasonal relic of the proletariat, as we air our grievances in the spirit of Comrade Costanza, His blessings be upon us.
You there. Air your grievances.
- What do you really want for Christmas but you know nobody will get it for you?
A new Pimp Stick. The old one broke (right) when I cracked it over a bitch’s head. Ho was late with my royalties.
- What do you not want for Christmas but you know that somebody will get it for you?
A Playstation 3 game without the PS3. I think my mom may have done that by accident.
- When do you open your gifts (Christmas eve or Christmas morning)?
Both days, I keeps it real.
- Do you prefer gifts wrapped or in gift bags?
Doesn’t matter, but I always thought wrapping was kind of a waste of time.
- Did you regift anything this year?
It’s not even the 25th yet? How could I possibly regift, dumbass? And why is “regift” a word when the nice white man types it, but when Kunta Kinte here types it there’s a damn space between “re” and “gift”?!?
- What s your favourite Christmas movie?
Bad Santa. What, you were expecting Fred Claus?
- What s your favourite Christmas TV special?
Either “Woodland Critter Christmas” or “A Huey Freeman Christmas”.
- Do you like egg nog?
Sometimes, but as of late I’ve hated the stuff.
- Real tree or fake tree, which do you prefer?
Real tree. Fake=Fascism; take your fascist ass to Germany. This is America.
- Would you actually use one of those fireplace DVDs if you don t have a fireplace?
Fireplace DVD? But Christmas isn’t Christmas without a Swiss Colony Beef Log! (I will promote you to Supreme Commander if you get the reference). Either way, we have a wood stove.
- Are you sick of Christmas music yet?
- Are you getting up early to wait in line to do some Boxing Day shopping (Canada s equivalent to Black Friday)?
- When was the last time you sat on Santa s lap?
I don’t remember ever sitting on Santa’s lap. Probably something about mysterious old guys wanting children to sit in their laps that turned off my parents.
Friday, December 21, 2007
(You might want to view Part I before this, if you haven’t already)
As the title implies, here’s some more pictures from the last day at Ye Olde Richarde Montgomerye.Somebody whose name I’ll omit was going to do Physics homework instead of stuffing himself and drawing on the wall. When the chicken came out of the microwave, his homework plans quickly dissolved into promoting acid and talking about hotboxing. That’s why I won’t mention his name.The “Eli is Gay and he likes it in the ASS” tag mentioned in the previous post.I originally wrote that Eli was a Dirty Jewbag (something of a running joke), but David came along, crossed it out and put “Clean Gentile”.Somebody used a linoleum cutter to carve this into a table, last year I believe. I always liked it, and they really should have done the whole table.I’m sorry, did I need a reason?These went up the week Sean Taylor died after being shot. The black was done in spraypaint after school (I think the same day as his death), and the Red+Yellow during class in acrylic paint a couple days later. This was in a little maintenance hallway in between the art room and a boiler room. We were technically not supposed to be in there.The maintenance hallway, as seen from behind a stack of boxes near the door to the art room. Sean Taylor is on the wall obscured by the boxes, and out the door is a ramp leading to a small parking lot, a set of portables, and the “Mother, Should I Trust the Government?” tag from yesterday. The boiler room is through a red door to the left, out of frame.This was in the art storage room. I don’t know who did this, or how old it is. Drawing on the walls in there was always somewhat common.The Atone Phone on the storeroom door. Someone apparently changed it to “POOPS-JEW”, but I didn’t notice it until after I took the picture. You can see the P partially in frame.“Hot Lesbo Action” as pointed out by the hotboxer when we were both supposed to be in our respective 7th periods. I’m sorry, but this here negro does NOT do “Salsa Thursdays”. I got caught up back in art class at the end of the day looking at the portfolio of a graduated senior from last year, you can see the dead blog he once ran and some of his stuff here.The art room sink. This repulsive behemoth was consistently clogged, and the water often a murky odorous gray. Someone splattered paint in there, and dumped some mid-quality watercolor brushes in there, for some reason. And though it looks like a turd, that’s just a wet paper towel at the top.What can I say? The RM student body, especially the art students, love drugs.Ever since the first day of Freshman year, I have always loved this damn sign. I just might have to steal it. I also took a few pictures of the exterior of the building, but they came out extraordinarily crappy, so they will likely never see the light of day.
Afterwards me and some friends worked our way over to the extremely shit and rather overpriced Cosi for some pretentious dinner. Still had a good time due in whole to good company.
All in all, a fitting end to a fantastic day in the final hour of a fine building-“that’s called alliteration”, as my art teacher remarked the other day while going off into one of her random songs with a lot of repetition in it. Damn, I just cannot get that dilapidated piece of shit building out of my head! I still miss RM, and I probably will continue to do so for some time. Then as soon as I get over it, they’ll start tearing it down and I’ll start missing it again.
Oh well. This is what pictures are for, preserving moments in time, right? I should get back in there and take some pictures before they pull the building down. It’s probably trespassing, but I know that if I were a cop I probably wouldn’t go through the trouble to file the paperwork for some kid who broke into an abandoned building to take pictures. Never mind the sheer irresponsibility of letting such a violent menace to society run amok.
Keep an eye out for the pictures of the new building on Saturday, January 5th. Our first day in will be Thursday the 3rd.
Note: Some pictures and paragraphs have been removed since the original posting
Thursday, December 20, 2007
It’s so surreal.
Today was the very last day of class in the old RM, the building that’s been up since the original burned down in 1940. Even now I’m struggling to find the words for it. There’s definitely a bit of sadness, because through its leaking ceilings, rusting fixtures, asbestos rafters, dead lights, cracking and crumbling drywall, and impressive cockroach population, RM was a nice place.
A major, maybe the only, contributing factor to such a crappy building’s place in my heart is the memories there. Like the time our English teacher fell asleep during a seminar, the laughably contrived drunk driving speech, the Kuney Kursing Kounter, all the fun we’ve had with the Tape Ball, hearing “profound retardation” for the first time, the time I threw a sandwich at Patrick and got mayonnaise all over his calculator, the library where we played the first game of what would come to be Presidente (By The Power of Greyskull!), the first Friday Pot Luck (FPL), The Question, the Exacto Knife Incident, the pimp suit; to think the place where all of this happened is going to be torn down in a few months is pretty sad.
Of course, this being the last day in the school, the last day of class before winter break, and the last school day in 2007, needless to say we sent the building out in a style far better and more personal than that rule-raped $5/head Movitii Dansketball (Movie/Graffiti/Dance/ Basketball) thing they’re holding tonight.
A whole bunch of independent lawless tagging, some graduated seniors returning, and the best damn Friday Pot Luck yet:The Soviet Christmas Cake I brought to the FPL. It’s a little hard to see, but in yellow it says “Merry” and there are three yellow stars running down the sides of the cake. There are also two sets of “666” in black cake gel.
FPL vista. There’s the cakkke, Chips Ahoy cookies, Oreos, fried chicken from KFC (o lawd), Sprite, Root Beer, and out of frame there’s regular Coke and Nestea. Our teacher even brought one of those sampler cheesecakes with slices of 5 or 6 different cakes on one platter. We would have ordered pizza, but nowhere reasonably priced was open. Maybe next semester.After we were stuffed to the point of bursting bowels, we took to drawing all over the room. Here is a portrait of Eli as a Dirty Jew with a Hitler mustache, surrounded by money. Oh, and he has orange whiskers.Editor’s note: Ms. Baker is not a dirty hippie with shingles. But Eli did prove the statistic that most of what Jews say are lies.One of my contributions to the tagging on a cabinet door. With any luck, the cabinet will be taken to the new school. I also drew a hammer and sickle, turned the caption “OOPS” (the picture was of an alligator eating someone) into the number for the Atone Phone, and added “(from Patrick)” to “Eli is Gay and Likes it in the Ass!”Tic-tac-toe played in Sharpie with Sixes and Swastikas on the old art tables. The Slav was Sixes, I was Swastikas. As you can see, it was a KKKats game.Collaborative art on the refrigerator (that is moving to the new school). Ellen drew the mouse, I added the Hitler hair, mustache, and the caption, and Anonymous did the swastika.Done by a past senior. I’ll miss the class over break, it’s probably the best of the day because there are practically no rules. Moving on…This was on the wall in Mr. Thomas’ classroom. It’s a catchphrase of sorts, since he does really good accents. So far there’s been German, Russian, Cockney, French (his French accent is particularly hilarious), and probably a lot more. These are just the ones I’ve heard.This was done by Mr. Thomas. He takes a student’s notes for CNQs (class notes quizzes) and usually draws stuff like this all over their notes, and says it’s a portrait of them.Awriiight…Nigga please.A syringe (no needle) in the boys’ bathroom by the Art room. Yep, this is definitely RM.A typical bathroom stall in RM, this one in the social studies hallway bathroom. The stalls with toilets often don’t have door locks, forcing the user to prop the door shut with their foot or backpack. Maybe that new building will be welcome after all…
(I took something on the order of eighty pictures throughout the day, so there will definitely be more tomorrow or Saturday, but probably tomorrow.)
Note: Some pictures and paragraphs have been removed since the original posting
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
A photographic meme, stolen from Rachel. The next few days will be photo-heavy, with Pot Luck pictures tomorrow, something on the old school Friday, and the Tape Ball on Saturday. Probably. You know what, don’t quote me.
How old will you be on your next birthday? Where is a place you’d like to visit? What is your favorite place? What are your favorite things?* What is your favorite food? What is your favorite color? What is your nickname? Where were you born?***Mine, thank you. I’m sure all you guys have nice packages, but I’m happiest with mine.
**I was born in Silver Spring, MD, but I couldn’t find anything good for it.