Sunday, August 30, 2009
A Live Broadcast From The End Of The World
Back on the 14th of August, at 9 in the morning I opened up blogger and saved this post title. I really don’t know why; as far as I can remember nothing particularly bad happened that day. I just liked the title and decided to keep it without having anything in the way of a post saved. Now it’s about 2:30 in the afternoon, sixteen days later and as my (likely hungover) mother who just woke up walks back to her room in silence with a bowl of Frosted Maple & brown Sugar Mini Wheats it dawned on my how much has happened these past couple of weeks, and to a certain extent how little it all matters. I also caught a hint of that earlier when I caught my younger dog licking himself to a red rocket. Kids these days.
Purged by
Woozie
32
Manifestos
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Jesus Christ It’s A Lion, Get In The Car!
It was at about 2 AM or so this morning when I first heard Ted Kennedy died. I was listening to music and talking to three friends on AIM (when I went to sleep I coincidentally dreamed that one of them died) when I glanced in the direction of the TV and actually said “holy shit” quite loudly. Not because I cared particularly about Kennedy, he’s just one of those people you never really think about dying. Like Michael Jackson.
Purged by
Woozie
12
Manifestos
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Da Killin Gnatzi Bidness
It’s not ‘Inglorious Bastards’, it’s ‘Inglourious Basterds’–typical of any Quentin Tarantino film, normal expectations simply do not apply, and that even goes for the title. As you’ve probably heard, Lt. Aldo Raine (as played by Brad Pitt) is in da killin Gnatsi bidness, and bidness is a-boomin. Raine leads a squad of seven Jewish-American soldiers dropped into France whose job is to collect for their Lieutanant 100 Gnatsi scalps each. And he wants his scalps. Meanwhile, the charming feller you see to your right with the pipe is Col. Hans Landa of the SS, colorfully nicknamed the Jew Hunter. He hunts Jews. And then there’s Shoshanna Dreyfus, a French Jew caught in the middle of it all. You can probably see where this is going, and let me be the first to tell you that you’re positively wrong.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Graceland
When Woozie returned home to his mothers abode two months ago I shrugged off the significance of the trip for two reasons, I was embroiled in a drug relapse and I had no idea summer holidays for American folk went for, well, the entire summer. That shit is bananas. You get six weeks here in Australia, and free medical attention. We also don’t have school shootings, but hey, that’s a whole other post. Anyways. So, while I was dealing with a massive amount of drugs in my system and the drama that was surrounding my own life I didn’t really spare a thought for our dearest Woozie. Then I sobered up, pushed aside most of the drama and sat down with him…and my God, is this guy a fucking drama
This poor young man has been cooped up in his mothers home for the most part of the ballsack-stuck-to-your-thigh summer where his only form of intellectual stimulation has come from me challenging his blackness against his gayness. Alongside that he has had to deal with falling in love with someone who doesn’t love him back the way he would like (and no, I’m not talking about me, even though I’d marry the fucker in a second if I wasn’t so jealous about his dick size). Also, there is his grandmother who has made his nearby walking space her own personal toilet due to dementia – which I somehow made him cry about.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Avatar
You have the heterosexual’s who still continue to call themselves straight, even though they get caught cheating, spreading sexual disease and creating bastard children as regular as clockwork. The very same people that have made divorce a true art form; dividing assets and children like it were a broken Jenga tower. There is no fucking way they can be taken as serious as they want to be considering the level of faggotry they appear to inflict on themselves as a result of not knowing the true definition of marriage. Then there is the gaggle of gays (fuck it, I’m going with it) who for whatever crazy reason want to be married and call it a marriage. None of this segregated civil union bullshit, which I must admit is more appealing than marriage. Recently I was invited to a wedding and made a groomsman without actually being asked. So, naturally I didn’t bother showing up. I hate weddings and the idea of marriage and so should gay people. It is a cheap and far too versatile symbol of loyalty and companionship in the eyes of the
Homophobia is no laughing matter, even though I make homophobic comments all the time. But I say it around gay people that know I love them for their unique lifestyle. Just like I love Chinese people for Kung Pow Chicken. Though every once in a while someone will catch me out and I will see my sexist, racist, misogynistic and homophobic comments the way they’re meant to be seen. The matter of gay marriage and civil union is to me what the war on drugs is to a Mormon, not easily understood. Then again, I am the type of person who has beer for breakfast (it had a third of the carbs so as far as I’m concerned it was food) with his morning coffee. I’m a young man who has sex, ejaculates and then continues to push a half erect penis into a mostly confused vagina because “fuck science, that’s why!” I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m a perfect example of a heterosexual who shouldn’t be married but will most likely end up in a trailer park somewhere in Ohio filling it to the brim with as many demon spawn I can get out of the poor young woman I will call my wife.
Purged by
Orhan Kahn
23
Manifestos
Thursday, August 13, 2009
See No Future
Perhaps this is part of growing up but it never ceases to amaze me how a stable situation can descend into chaos so unexpectedly and so quickly. I won’t bore you or stress myself with the details but just know that a figurative car bomb has gone off in the lives of a handful of a couple of people I hold close to my heart. One in particular, one I’m trying my hardest to get over because that’s for the best, and one who should come crying to me when the one he thought he loved unexpectedly broke his heart via text message. (Yes, a text message.) One thing I’ve found myself saying over and over again almost ever since I met him, “Nothing is ever easy with that boy.”
Him and the rest of my ailing company are so far away though, there’s really only so much I or anyone else can do. It’s times like these you just want to give someone a hug and tell their emotionally fucked mind the reasonable truth that everything will be alright, and despite how bad things seem there is a happier happiness out there for us all. I said it for him just as much as I said it for anyone else including myself, only problem is I don’t know if anyone took it to heart. I should be thankful that I’m avoiding the same miserable pitfalls my friends have fallen into, but damn I am tired.
Twenty-four days.
Purged by
Woozie
23
Manifestos
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
But Will Obama Cure My Over-Stretched Sphincter?
Purged by
Woozie
29
Manifestos
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Quality Control
There are times where you have to wonder where and how things failed so spectacularly. Nero, Nazi Germany, Enron, and CNN Shirts are all good examples. One day not so long ago the writing staff of ABC’s (Australian Broadcasting Corporation) The Chaser’s War On Everything (like The Daily Show but with more sketches and less funny, most famous for sneaking an Osama Bin Laden doppleganger into an international conference) sat down in their brainstorming session, and one of them said ‘Hey guys, I have this great idea–let’s make fun of dying children.’ And thus, the Make-A-Realistic-Wish Foundation was born. The premise goes that children with leukemia wanting to go to Disneyworld is too impractical, so instead they’re given a pencil case. “Why go to any trouble, when they’re only going to die anyway?”
Purged by
Woozie
42
Manifestos
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Hanged In Rags
If I ever saw someone wearing a shirt emblazoned with “Rare waterspout seen off Alaska–I just saw it on CNN.com” I would break their arms and then piss in the wounds created by their jutting bones. It just baffles me as to why someone would wear a shirt with a news headline on it. Like anyone gives a shit about some Alaskan waterspout or that you watched it online. And the “I just saw it on CNN.com” part becomes kind of silly when that shirt arrives in the mail five business days later and the link to the story is probably gone, made way for more stupid and redundant commentary or report cards on Obama’s third, fourth, fifth, and sixth 100 Days.
Purged by
Woozie
49
Manifestos
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Brain Damaged
One social fad I never understood was that abortion of a show Jon & Kate Plus 8. And I really do mean it when I compare the show to an abortion: I watched just one episode and when they spent half an hour doting on a girl’s room being painted pink and the ten of them plus camera crew driving on a beach I wondered why the TLC executives don’t fully flesh out ideas for shows before passing off what they found in the eye of their cock as a flagship program. At least other reality programs have drama: assholes, love triangles, alcohol, that sort of stuff. This shit had none of that.
Not only is it boredom incarnate, it’s a manipulative, greedy, destructive, lecherous excuse for a reality show. At least on other showcases of humanity at its finest, everyone consents to being made into an ass on international television. Under normal circumstances the consent of the parents to have their kids on TV would be enough but there is no doubt in my mind these shining examples of parenthood are willfully and shamelessly exploiting their eight children to make a cool couple million off of the easily-entertained retarded masses.
Words cannot express how much of a waste I think this show is. You should have seen the veins bursting in my face when I found out it’s nothing new and Jon & Kate Plus 8 is actually in its fifth season. It’s fifth season! What the hell is wrong with this country? I suppose I can find pride in avoiding such shame for such a long time, but now that it’s caught up with me–well, I can’t say I’m beside myself, it’s just that rarely does such a show come along that so genuinely displays slimy, shit-suckling excuses for people behaving at their absolute most selfish (in such a dull fashion, too) to rave reviews and ratings. At least the triumphant return of their bullshit circus act suffered a 61% drop in ratings. Maybe instant karma got the jackasses good.
Purged by
Woozie
26
Manifestos
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Krusty Krab
It must be stories like this that make people hate Americans. Not hate America; that’s done easily enough by foreign policy allowing the world police to kick in everyone else’s front door and fuck shit up in the name of freedom. But reading that a vast majority of American children don’t have enough Vitamin D in their bodies, now that’s something.
I’ve had sand in my vagina ever since getting back to Rockville two magical months ago, but seriously, what the hell? I am no prime model of physical fitness. I’ve even put on 12 pounds! But even if I don’t find myself out and about I find the time in my busy, busy schedule of reading, gaming, and boredom to pop a Centrum a day. You barely have to get up and ruin that bed sore you’ve been working on to take one, and a bottle of 100 pills isn’t much more than $10. I’d think it was a small price to pay for avoiding brittle bones and heart disease–a bike ride is even cheaper–but how can 60% of parents be wrong? Bones are but crutches of the liberal elite; real men hold their bodies together with duct tape and sheer willpower. Idiots.
Purged by
Woozie
22
Manifestos
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Lee Harvey Oswald’s Best Friend
Eric Hansen was a sophomore at OU, living in a hall not too far from me. I didn’t know him at all, but on April 28th he did some shrooms with a friend/supplier (at least this once) and wound up falling out of his 4th floor window to his death. The friend, James Wagers, was recently charged with manslaughter. The authorities contend that if it weren’t for the mushrooms Hansen would still be alive. If Wagers is convicted of that along with the drug charges he could spend up to 11 years in prison. And while all that is well and good, what I want to know is when is someone going to do something about these damn windows?
Purged by
Woozie
15
Manifestos
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Absolute Anal Blast Destruction/Ask A Black Dude
Today I went and saw Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. It took every ounce of self-control to keep from whispering loudly, just as the movie started, “Snape Kills Dumbledore”. Bearing in mind I have not read any of the books save for the first, I enjoyed it–particularly all the great That’s What She Said moments. (‘Harry, you’re my friend, but..sometimes you can be really thick’). Then Tyler and I had dinner and talked a lot about sex, relationship woes, and drugs. Lots and lots of drugs. All in all a good day, for once.
Purged by
Woozie
39
Manifestos
We Apologize
For this temporary interruption in service. Expect AABD this evening.
Purged by
Woozie
4
Manifestos
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