bobby youre george w bush and love is

Friday, July 3, 2009

“Bobby. You’re George W. Bush, and Love is 9/11. Do Not Invade Iraq!”

Last night was a bad night. I was in a bad way. My BAC was .00 and I still haven’t smoked anything since mid-May. And no, that’s not why I was in a bad way. Last summer I was afraid to leave Rockville, and this summer I’m afraid to stay here any longer. I miss everything about Athens, from the parade of drunkards on Court St. literally ever night to the brick streets and genuine masonry in the buildings. Rockville is like one of those dull, depressing small towns you see in those coming-of-age stories, except they’ve dressed it up real pretty in tree lined streets and prefab, generic-European-looking storefronts in “Rockville Town Square”, about four square blocks of overpriced food and stores full of things nobody wants to buy. The library’s pretty nice, though.

Most of what I miss about Athens though is definitely my friends. That fact became alarmingly clear when, a little while ago, one of them drunk-dialed me. It didn’t even matter that he had way too much. Just hearing his voice made be so unbelievably happy. A week removed and I still can’t put it into words. And that caught me a bit off guard; I’ve spoken on the phone with other friends and while I was glad to hear from them, I wasn’t anywhere near that happy. Then again, this guy and I have a bit of history. We’ve only really known each other for a couple of months now, but for two gay men who aren’t an item we spent a lot of time together. A lot of flirtatious time. Now, I like it as much as the next guy but I had no idea it would lead to this. From the very beginning I thought my attraction to him would remain a physical one and nothing more. Sure enough, as time went on I thought about him more and more. Just how much I miss him hit me in the face again last night, with a simple question prompted by a facebook status: “what’s wrong lil lumpkin?”

I told him everything. Without names. I don’t know what I was thinking, I was so tired and I didn’t know what to do. But I told him everything. Throughout the whole conversation, he didn’t even pick up that I was talking about him. But the one word I didn’t want to hear out of the five hundred thousand in the English language did surface, several times: love. He said it, not me. There’s so much about this I’m clueless to. How did something like this gain so much power over me, am I right to be telling anyone, am I worrying over nothing, do I really like him this much, why/how am I writing this post, did I just miss a golden opportunity to come out to my mother, why did I tell him specifically who I–in his words–am in love with. I didn’t want to hear that word but it so perfectly sums up what I’ve been feeling. And they call this shit beautiful.

Like a fatass crab molting its shell, I’ve never felt so vulnerable in my life; not necessarily expecting but certainly being afraid of getting boiled, gutted, and eaten. He said he wasn’t weirded out–“in fact I’m flattered.”–but of course that doesn’t satisfy my mind.

He’s just saying that,” my brain goes.
“Please shut the fuck up,” I respond, “this is all your goddamn fault.”

“At least he didn’t brutally shoot me down, or just stop talking to me..”
Not yet.
“I swear to fucking god, if you don’t hush the fuck up right fucking now–” Silence, for a second anyway.
“‘Maybe when school starts’? I mean, I can’t expect him to promise to wait; that’s basically a long distance relationship and it’s unfair to expect that out of him. I don’t even want that.”
Okay so he didn’t outright reject you. He’s just letting you down easy, fall quarter will turn into ‘sometime later maybe’ and we both know that’ll never come. You’ll be lucky to remain friends.”

You probably find yourself sitting there, thinking “what has this boy gotten himself into?” Is it love or is it just, uh, confusion? As soon as I know I’ll clue you in.

25
Manifestos:


Woozie
said…

And no, I don't want to die. "Yer Blues" is a song written by Lennon, poking fun at how unbelievably depressing lyrics to blues songs are. There are other "I see what you did theres" to be found with my posting of the video, but I don't want to spoil them all. Just know that it's very, very relevant.


Josh
said…

Love cannot be understood so there's no use trying. I wish I could tell you things get easier when you get older but they don't. Hope things work out for the best, obviously, but just know that the confusion, the self-doubting, etc…. all that's par for the course.


Woozie
said…

Three or four hours of sleep have made me too tired for all this right now anyway. I'm gonna go shoot some things and maybe take a nap.


Omar
said…

I'm done with Facebook. Again.


billy pilgrim
said…

absence makes the heart grow fonder.

it's the oldest trap in the book.


Anonymous
said…

Um, i've never had the opportunity to ask this to one of your kind because usually i'm on the brink of turning a Jeffrey Dahmer on of you but you seem to have control of your homosexuality right now ( Thank you anti-homosexual legislators and activists) ..but here is my question:

Why do some, or should i say MOST, of you hit on straight men without fully knowing he shares the same preference? That's like poking an uncaged lion.

Sarah Palin 2012

-V


thimscool
said…

Bwahahahahahahaha!

I finally get it, V. You are a parody.

Good show.


Woozie
said…

Omar: Is this your 3rd or your 4th time?

BP: Tell me all about it.

V: Control of it?

Anyway, I can say I don't know any gay men that would openly hit on another man if they weren't fairly suspicious of his sexuality. They might flirt a little out of habit–and you can't blame them for that, considering most of their company is women and other gay men–but I doubt they're trying to bone you unless you give off a gay vibe.

Just walking up to a man and assuming he's gay is pretty trashy. Maybe you should do what my brother did. Back when he lived in Dupont Circle as a teenager, he had a lot of gay friends because it's Dupont Circle. And when he would go to the dance clubs with them, he wore a shirt that said "BREEDER" on the chest. If any of them didn't quite get it he'd politely come out of the straight closet.

On a related note, this is an excellent article about the dynamics of straight male-gay male friendships. Yes it's written by those dirty NY Times liberals, but who better to know homosexual deviance than liberals? Clearly conservatives don't know anything about it.

Thimscool: Well I'm glad you're convinced.


unokhan
said…

don't know what to tell ya, restless young friend. distract yourself from the craziness of it one way or another, be steady, and remember sometimes it really didn't have to stop, it just kept on going. like our archetypal parents, you've eaten of the fruit of the tree of knowledge as you were fucking destined to do from the start. your heart and the place where it knows things will never be the same, and rockville –"home"– will never be the same, and that's pretty cool –provided you don't get stuck there.

a few years ago i complained to a friend that i didn't know if i was in love with a certain other person or not. and he said "you may not recognize love because it is a stranger"..

hang in there. in the meantime loneliness is such a drag


Orhan Kahn
said…

I could tell your mother for you.


unokhan
said…

and i'd thought jagger had become an insufferable prick only recently, say n the last quarter of a century or so. doh!


unokhan
said…

mary. pussy. and not n the pink suxion hot sticky sense. in the neurotic can't commit sense.

whitehead, meh


Nashe^
said…

I think you need a distraction.


Omar
said…

Oh all right.

Just don't request to be my friend, Mouldy.


unokhan
said…

o i am going to clutch you to my bosom. asp.

Terra Shield
said…

Um… tricky situation. I agree with Nashe. You need a distraction. I suggest a game of Risk.


Woozie
said…

To all:

As of yesterday I feel fine. Don;t have any major complaints, and the minor ones I surprisingly can't make into major ones. At least night right now. One can only hope the feeling lasts.

And than you for seeing what i did there Uno.


Raspootin
said…

My mouth gets the better part of my brain on many occasions.

I live in a constant state of emotional confusion.

So that means you must be normal…

speaking of drunken late night calls ummm evidently one never grows out of that…


Raspootin
said…

PS why do you think Sarah resigned?


unokhan
said…

you're quite welcome. but after all, i'm not the one who has to die when it's time for you to die


Omar
said…

Death is nothing. To live defeated and inglorious is to die daily.


Anonymous
said…

Happy 4th of July, Woozie! 🙂

Anne


Woozie
said…

Raspootin: Fuck if I know. I'd hazard a guess and say she's devoting her full time to preparing for 2012. Someone somewhere pointed out that a lot of other people eying the nomination have their full schedule open to pursuing that, and she didn't. Or maybe she realized there's more money in public appearances and books than being a Governor. Maybe she just got bored with it, I don't know. Alaska sounds like a pretty dull place if you're not cut out for it.

And you too, Anne. I do hate the smell of propane in the air though.


secret agent woman
said…

Most of us who have been around the block a time or two (okay, more than a time or two) aren't thinking, "What has he gotten himself into," but more along the lines of, "Yeah, that's how it works, and it's scary and exciting and a million other emotions." It's a risk, and it doesn't always work out, but it's life.


Anne
said…

Unfortunately you only see these things clearly in hindsight. Emotions are a bitch that way.

A year or two from now what will you be thinking?
– It was nice but not meant to last.
– He was the one that got away.
– OMG WTF was I thinking?
– When we grow old together we will be the bane of the old folks' home nurses. Heh heh heh.


But what can you do? Take a chance or live in fear of what-ifs? I don't think you're nearly old and bitter enough to justify living in fear.