Tuesday, April 13, 2010

A Series of Open Letters

Of course I could specify who all these people are since none few of them read this blog, but that kind of takes the fun out of it.


Dear 1,
Thanks for the post idea.

Dear 2,
Stop fucking IMing/calling/texting me with nothing to say. "Sup?" does not count as having something to say. If you're gonna contact me, please, have something on your mind.

Dear 3,
Stop trying to tell me what to do with my goddamn life. If you were my boss and you told me to be more friendly to the customers, fine. If you were my teacher and told me to elaborate on a question more, okay. But my personal life is my dominion and nobody else's. Who are you to shoulder in on it and tell me I shouldn't do something? Fuck off.

Dear 4,
I don't know what to think about you anymore. While I enjoy the attention and appreciation (one might go so far as to call it validation) you haven't been around for a few weeks now, for various convenient reasons. I know you say I don't talk to you very much but I feel you're not very interested anymore, and honestly neither am I. I told you I didn't do this long distance shit the very first day I met you.

Dear 5,
Stop fucking up. You know what I'm talking about. Everyone has their slip-ups, fine, but goddamn. You know better. Oddly enough I can't really say I'm worried, but I am bothered.

Dear 6,
It seemed a bit irresponsible at the time but in the long run I think what we did right before break was very healthy for our friendship. Who would have thought sex could actually uncomplicate things (knock on wood)?

Dear 7,
Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaked

Dear 8,
As time goes on I find there are fewer and fewer people whom I can spend an extended amount of time with and not wind up getting pissed off at. I don't know if that's a problem with me or with people, but regardless thank you for being someone I can spend hours with and call it a good day. Part of me wishes I had more people like that in my life, but if I did folks like you wouldn't seem as special.

Dear 9,
I know good and damn well you were not born with that face. What happened to it? And I don't mean that in an insulting way (even though you are a complete bitch), it's pure curiosity.

Dear 10,
At this point in our friendship it is glaringly obvious you want my dick. You, however, have a vagina. It's not going to work.

20 Manifestos:

long dead gone said...

I'm torn. Is #6 or #8 directed at me?

Anonymous said...

Why are you talking to yourself likd that?

Doctorboogaloo said...

Woozie: Regarding letter #9....

I've shied away from telling you this. Still, the truth must out.

The frightening geography of my face is the result of both gonorrhea -- and my (still robust) addictions to botox and blue cheese.

Nashe^ said...

So... sup?

:D

Anonymous said...

This post is so gay, you have just lost the remaining heteros in this room

Leslie, go have sex...trust me, you'll feel much different, more relaxed. try it

-V

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

i'd like to think im 1-10...

Orhan Kahn said...

Dear 11,

Your mother wasn't as good as you promised she would be. Like a sausage in a hallway, dude. Next time let me try your sister on for size. Goddamn.

rachel said...

Humph! I'm HURT you don't return my feelings for you. Curse your hawt, homo body for doing this to me! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. You have been warned.

Omar said...

Hmmm..

#1 -- Not me.

#2 -- Not me.

#3 -- Maybe me, but I usually quantify my needling with "I'm just jerkin your chain" or some other justification.

#4 -- Again, maybe me, but in some form or another I am usually around.

#5 -- Definitely not me. I never have nor ever will "fuck up".

#6 -- Not me (i think)

#7 -- Could be me, but I really think my baked days are behind me.

#8 -- Pretty sure 'not me'. Even when we used to yak on MSN I don't recall "hours" being part of the experience.

#9 -- I. Look. Mahvelous.

#10 -- Pfftt..if ever I decide to shop Menswear, it won't be in the Husky Boy Department. (just jerkin your chain) ;)

secret agent woman said...

You're welcome.
Yo!
I've got some advice for you about how to run your personal life.
Hey man, I've had things to do.
Oh, sorry.
Yes, it was a good thing.
Waaaaaasted
Now you're just pissing me off.
Was, too.
You know you want me.

Gadfly said...

Use the chick as a pot sweetener to get a hot straight guy into a threesome.

Call it the mercenary position *chuckle*

BBC said...

Just stopped by to see what is going on.

Carry on.

Robert said...

You can still beat the axis even with VD if you have a can of KY.

Woozie said...

Leslie: Ten.

Anon: Only one of these is leveled at me, thank you.

Doc: While I wasn't discussing your mug that is interesting to know. While I was told my a drag queen that I have gonorrhea, in actuality I don't. Never had botox done and I hate bleu cheese, so thankfully I think I'll be free of your facial afflictions.

Nashe: Thanks revoked.

V: I wish I could be having sex right now.

YDG: You'd be embodying everything that I love and despise about my life. Quite a feat; I'd be impressed if you could pull it off.

Orhan: Actually, you don't even know how relevant that could be someday.

Rachel: I'd tell you to keep trying but it is quite annoying, so please stop. I can buy one of those clone-a-willy kits for you, but even that's a big maybe.

Omar: Jerking my chain? Dirty.

CS: A cougar if I ever did see one ;P

Gadfly: Honestly I don't find her that attractive, even for a woman. I don't think I could do it (with her).

Robert: Valid point. KY isn't necessarily the best, but it's always there.

Omar said...

I thought you were going to call me out on the fact I misread #10. In my defence, I do have access to one of those at home.

liberal supporter said...

Open letters from the tome of communism?

===
The new leader of a communist country, fresh from seizing power, tours the presidential palace and is shown the presidential desk where there are three letters from his predecessor. He is told to open one when there is a great crisis in the nation.

Years pass, and a crisis finally occurs. He opens the first letter and it says "Blame the previous government". He does and the crisis goes away.

More time passes and another even bigger crisis occurs. He opens the second letter, which says "Blame the Russians". He does and eventually the crisis abates.

After yet more time, a huge crisis happens, why even bigger than today's situation. There is an insurrection in the country, riots in the cities, and millions carrying torches and pitchforks at the gates of the presidential palace. He nearly panics, then remembers the last letter. Rushing to his office he opens it and reads it. It says: "Write three letters".

Raspootin said...

wow the honor of coming after " liberal supporter" is daunting

I

simply was going to say

Where is your???

Dear John.

you are such a nice person. I am so very sorry that I really can not stand you at all (oops) I meant to say John; I am simply not good enough for you; but would like to remain friends -as your friendship means absolutly nothing to me as I think you are hideous and boring (oops) as your friendship is something I hope to endure (oops) I mean cherish for the rest of my life. I am sure you will find someone who finds you less boring and hideous that I (oops) I am sure you will find someone who makes you very very happy and loved.

LOL - oop Lot of love

Woozie

Ugh...

long dead gone said...

Here's an open letter to the Louisiana folks, or maybe Omar:

I heard a certain neighborhood referred to as "coon-ass" the other day and had to ask what that means. The response was "Cajun" (and of course, "Where are you from?")

I don't get it. I mean, I get the term, and bigotry in general, but why, in New Orleans of all places, are Cajuns considered an appalling underclass, by anyone?

long dead gone said...

OOOOOOoooooooooooooh.

wikipedia has bad words, too.

unokhan said...

for the record, and because there are TOC standards of excellence and accuracy to be maintained, there aren't a whole lot of coonasses in new orleans -- see map.

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