2006 02 01 archive

Friday, February 24, 2006

I fucking hate Dr. Angus.

“The new Angus Cheesy Bacon is so chessy, you’ll have to sit down and enjoy it!”

Every time I hear that, I get the urge to anally rape Dr. Angus with a tank cannon. Have you ever had one of those Angus burgers? Thay taste like Jake Gylenhaal’s balls, as Heath Ledger so colorfully informed me. (That asshole.) The first time I had an Angus burger, a couple months ago, I had a feeling that one of two things was going to happen. I was either going to be incapable of shitting for a week, or I would be shitting non-stop for a week.

Turns out I didn’t shit for a week. Damn did I clog up that toilet…Oh, were you eating? Oh, I’m sorry for that disgusting image. Unless you were eating an Angus burger, in which case I did you a favor. You’ve lost your appetite, so you’ll be able to shit in a 3 days instead of a week.

You know, it’s not just the Angus burger that is a crime against my digestion system, it’s fast food in general. Mc Donalds, KFC, A&W;, Arby’s, Taco Hell, all the same; all neatly-packed heart attacks. The only fast food actually worth eating is:

  • Wendy’s Burgers and Chicken Nuggets
  • Burger King Chcken tenders and French fries
  • Roy Rogers Chcken Nuggets

All other fast food is worth neither time nor is it worth money. It;’s important to note that I don’t count places like Papa John’s, Pizza Hut, Chipotle and places like those as fast food, simply because they are not fast. It takes a damn hour to get a pizza, and Chipotle burritos take forever because of the inevitable line, but they are always worth the wait (a fact that is nearly never true about fast food). But for us Rockville folk, whenever you can, choose Urban Barbeque over any fast food, pizza and Chipotle, because their Macaroni and Cheese and ribs are the best of their kinds on the planet. Bar none. If you disagree, you are not a dumbass, or a communist, you are just wrong.

On a side note, where the hell is the man channel? Women have three. Lifetime, Oxygen, and Lifetime Movies! What the hell? We need a channel for men. Nothing but The Man Show, Demolition Derbies and Porn. (Spike TV does not count as a man channel, solely because of its name.)

In Conclusion:

I still hate Dr. Angus. But not more than that nigga 50 Cent. I hate that punk bitch.

Listen to Jimi Hendrix

Tell your friends about The Tome of Communism. But not your bitches and hoes. They don’t deserve to be in my presence

50 random facts about Chuck Norris!

This is so damn funny. I wish I came up with this list, but I didn’t. They’re all from a fandom fact generator about Mr. Norris, located here. (Scroll down on the page if you see blank whiteness) They also have Vin Diesel and Mr. T facts. Some of the facts contradict eachother, so quit yer bitchin, and let the good times roll.

1. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: “What is Courage?” Chuck Norris received an “A+” for writing only the words “Chuck Norris” and promptly turning in the paper.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now the Islands.
8. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck Norris is watching.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”.
If you ever see Chuck Norris running, it’s already too late.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
25. Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.
Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. 29. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
33. Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type “Chuck Norris” into Google and hit “I’m Feeling Lucky!”.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims “6 Feet of Fun” is actually the trademark for his penis.
Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.
Microsoft has released a new Anti-virus removal tool called Chuck Norris. The tool dares the virus to enter the machine.
Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
God created heaven and earth, he then created man. Man overpopulated the earth, so, God created Chuck Norris.
All 99 of Jay-Z’s problems are Chuck Norris.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn’t have to.
A man once attempted to give Chuck Norris a hug. Chuck proceeded to kick the crap out of the man. Chuck Norris’ father was confined to a wheelchair from that day on.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can “accidentally” beat the shit out of little kids.
46. Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.
49. Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can’t lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
Chuck Norris once took part in a Civil War reenactment. It was the bloodiest day in American history.

By the way, scroll down for my (original) rant on gun control that I typed up earlier today. It’s a good read.

Ban dumbasses, not guns

Now, who the hell gave this baby a gun?

Everyone knows about gun control, and the smarter people out there know it s bullshit. Aren’t gun control laws, like the Brady Bill supposed to keep guns out of criminal hands? And gun control laws never even put a small dent in the amount of gun violence? You know why? BECAUSE THEY ARE CRIMINALS. THEY ARE WILLING TO BREAK THE LAW TO GET WHAT THEY WANT. Just like that “Crack is whack” campaign in the 80s didn’t stop any crack heads from smoking crack; “A gun is not fun” isn’t going to stop a criminal from owning one. (Besides, guns are fun) All gun control laws do is restrict the freedoms of law abiding citizens, and if more people had guns with them in public, that means there’s a higher chance of someone getting their shit splattered if they attempt a robbery. Think about this for a second.

Pretend you are a criminal in New York City, with a .44 Magnum in your pocket. You want to rob the Donut Shop. With no cops in sight, and guns illegal in NYC, the plan will go off without a hitch, and no one will stop you. You want to rob the donut shop, right?

Now, pretend there is no gun control. You’re the same criminal, same city, same donut shop, but now there is a 70% chance that someone in that donut shop is armed with a concealed weapon, and there is a 50% chance that they will not hesitate to pull the trigger at a wrong-doer if need be. Do you still want to rob the donut shop?

No! Because someone is probably going to shoot you! “Think about it, more people with guns means more good people with guns, so the balance of power tips to the good guys.”, so says Penn Jilette, from Penn and Teller: Bullshit!, which is a show I highly recommend watching. Anyways, that’s a key fact that gun control advocates fail to recognize. Criminals break the law. One or two gun control laws are not going to stop a criminal from getting a gun. The only thing that will stop an armed criminal from committing a crime is if all the good people around him have guns and will not hesitate to kill him if he tries anything stupid.

Another reason gun control is bullshit is the reason why we have a second amendment. The founding fathers had just finished kicking some oppressive British ass, and they knew that the time might, and probably would come again, where American citizens would have to revolt against an oppressive government (Bush.) And we sure as hell can’t fight the United States Military with rocks. WE NEED GUNS! What happens if China invades the United States? Since the Chinese military outnumbers the US Military almost 3 to 1, they would probably win. Since the citizens have no guns, we’re all godless commie heathens now, because of the fucking Brady Bill. But if we have guns, then the full force of a 200 million strong armed militia would come down on China and free the country from communist oppression. Isn’t that great! Gun control is wrong, stupid, communist, and bullshit.

In Conclusion:

“You can call the police on a criminal, but who are you going to call on the police?”-Penn Jilette

Listen to Jimi Hendrix

Tell your friends about The Tome of Communism

Monday, February 20, 2006

My day in D.C.

Let me tell you, right here and now, this isn’t going to be one of those lame-ass “Ohmigod! Look what Charice did! LOL!” posts. I aim to tell the rather funny, and rather serious truth about the District of Colombia.

Our original plan was to go to the Air and Space museum, since I haven’t been there since I was about 6, and then we would go straight home. So, on our way to the museum, I told my brother about my near-nigga moment (This fat senior starts shoving me, I shove her back, and she goes “Wha da fuck you duin nuggah?” and more incomprehensible bullshit, all the while I’m trying to keep myself from knocking her the fuck out), and my run-in with an overly aggressive, slightly racist cop. (A group of about 30 of us minority-folk happened to congregate around a 7-Eleven, not doing any harm, and someone called the police. I was walking to the 7-Eleven when the police showed up, and this one bitch starts screaming and yelling about how she’s gonna arrest us all. She only lets two people into the store to buy stuff, and after I showed her the money with which I was going to legally purchase a beverage with, she threatens to arrest me. Bitch.)

Anyways, while at the Air and Space museum, we saw these four white guys, all wearing those faded blue jeans, boots of some sort, and cotton-candy pink hoodies and headbands with F.B.I. on them. I kid you not, these niggas were walking around in that shit, trying to make people think “Don’t mess with us man, we’ll mess you up.” I wonder which ones were the catchers, probably all of them. Anyways, the other interesting thing we saw was at the entrance to the Computers in Space Travel exhibit, where above the entrance hung a rocket, with pulsating rainbow neon lights on it. We took a picture of it and sent it to Found Porn in MAXIM magazine. Look for it soon if you have a subscription.

So, after we left the museum, my brother realized that I had never really been through D.C., so we went down 7th avenue until it turned into Georgia Avenue, I think. While driving through D.C., we saw a no-left turn sign, but we found this hilarious, because there was nowhere to make a left turn. It was at a tunnel entrance. If you made a left turn there, you’d smack head-on into a wall.

We went through Old Downtown, and saw something rather disturbing. They (the white people in charge) are gutting the buildings of old downtown, buying out and shutting down the businesses that have been there for 50 years, and they’re “modernizing it”, by which they mean they’re going to take the soul and personality out of the neighborhood and turn it into another damn Georgetown. If you’ve ever been to Georgetown, you know how shitty it is there. (Traffic is some of the worst on the continent, horribly overcrowded, everything is too damn expensive, and contrary to popular belief, crime is pretty bad there at night.)

Once we left Old Downtown, we went into the hood, and it really isn’t that bad at all. It’s a really interesting drive, and you see buildings that have been there forever. Sure there’s crime, but there’s crime everywhere. It’s a pretty safe ride, at least in broad daylight. Some of you may be upset about what I’m about to say, but the reason I think the hood has such a bad reputation is because the white man’s media covers one murder 80 times in one day so that it lowers the property value drastically enough so that the white people can anally rape the black people on the price for the land, “modernize it” and then live there. Fortunately, the city will eventually miss the black influence on the city, and the white people tire of living there, so they’ll sell it back to the blacks for little money. Then the black people bring the soul back to the neighborhood and the process starts all over again. It’s the truth.

Also while I was in the hood, we passed the street that was named after my grandfather (Master Sergeant Lester Morton, U.S. Army), Morton Avenue, and that place is depressing. It really looks like something out of Eastern Europe, circa 1989. We got eyeballed a couple times by the locals, but it’s really no big deal, since my brother and his girlfriend both grew up in the hood. (By the way, that’s not a myth. People from the hood really can look at someone and tell if they’re from the hood or not) The other Morton Court, in Baltimore, is doing okay, so that’s good. Some more stuff happened during my trip to D.C., but this post is getting kinda long, so I’ll stop here.

In Conclusion:

Mayor Anthony Williams is turning into an Oreo

Listen to Jimi Hendrix

Don’t find yourself stranded on a D.C. side street in the middle of the night

Tell your friends about The Tome of Communism

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

I have given up hope in humanity

I hate people. No, that’s not just Bush, or republicans. It’s the whole lot of dumbasses across the globe, which happens to be the majority of the human population. Lets take a look at some examples, shall we?

I was watching the news, and they did an entire fucking 5 minute segment on how people who listen to iPods or use Blackberrys (or Blackberries) on trains are targets for thieves. Now, did they really need to do a whole segment on something so painfully obvious? Yes. Because people are that god damn stupid. People who needed to be told that their iPods make them targets for thieves deserve to be shot. (And no, I will not take back the getting shot remark)

That brings me to the Blackberry. As Gin Rummy (voiced by Samuel L. Jackson) said on The Boondocks Sunday night, “I don’t have time to read anything typed by some nigga with his thumbs on nigga technology. Nigga technology is just a way for dumb niggas to talk to other dumb niggas about dumb nigga shit.” He is 100% right.

And then there was this ad for some shitty French perfume, Hypnose. It starts out with “Hypnose-The new hypnotizing fragrance”, and then some bulimic crack whore rubs her eye while looking like a fucking retard in a blue background. Why? Fuck crack whores, Fuck Hypnose, Fuck Lancome, Fuck the French, and fuck anyone who buys that shit.

Shortly after that, I saw some other shitty news article about S+ampede, some new vitamin enriched beer. Why? Who that watches their carbs and cares about daily vitamin intake drinks fucking beer? Speaking of carbs, the Atkins diet is bullshit. This nigga, Dr. Atkins, died of a god damn heart attack, and you follow his fucking diet WHY?! I sincerely hope that anyone who follows the Atkins diet continues fo follow it, and dies of a god damn heart attack.

And then there was that picture with Britney Spears (whose initials are coincidentally BS) driving with her baby in her lap. The secretary of transportation said she was irresponsible and sending a bad message to her fans. But she doesn’t have fans, because she’s a self-absorbed, maniacal bitch.

And down in Spostylvania County, some undercover cops were participating in an undercover prostitution sting, where they were paying for sex. Isn’t that the entire point of a prostitution sting? And besides, with the news report, they probably blew the entire fucking case, which would count as obstruction of justice, which is a crime. Would the reporter be arrested? No, because he’s a rich white republican. If the reporter was a poor, black anything else, then call the fucking SWAT Team.

And now for that nigga, 50 Cent. I know I’ve talked about 50’s excessive niggerdom before, but he is such a fucking disgrace to black people…Anyways, have you noticed that this skidmark always looks like he has to take a shit? And how he slurs all his words into incomprehensible mumbling? And how he refuses to buy pants that fit, or at leads but a fucking belt?Sounds like a mentally fucking retarded dumbass small dicked nigga to me. What is it that the good, intelligent rappers like Biggie and Tupac get shot, but dumb nigga shitstains like 50 Cent continue to spread their dumb nigga propaganda clumsily disguised as gangsta rap? If that dumb nigga is reading this, his dumb nigga ass can bring his dumb nigga G-Unit over to my house so he can suck on the deadly end of a .40 caliber Glock. Asshole.

There’s still more shit that I intensely hate, and I’ll probably talk more about it at a later date, but I am so fucking tired of humanity, sometimes I feel like going Taxi Driver on dumb niggas like 50 Cent. If I commit suicide, the majority of my suicide note will contain my intense disappointment in humanity.

In Conclucion:

Man, fuck the conclucion. I’m tired of all this shit, anyways. I have a migraine and I need a fucking cigarette. Shit…

Saturday, February 4, 2006

TOP SECRET: US Army Classified Document: Manufacturing the M-87 Hydrogen Atomic Explosion Device (M87-HAED)

Using top secret documents obtained from my sources in the U.S. Military, I have obtained top-secret instructions on how to create a hydrogen bomb with enough power to shut down Washington D.C. For the benefit of all my fellow revolutionaries, I present them to you now.

You will need:

  • Cardboard box
  • Old soviet flag
  • Battery powered Alarm clock
  • 1 cell phone
  • Excess wiring
  • Tape
  • Approx. 100 of those glow sticks that light up when you snap them
  • A stink bomb, preferably with a green vapor in it

Instructions for assembly

  • Tape Soviet flag to outside of cardboard box
  • Set alarm clock to time of desired detonation
  • Place alarm clock inside of box. Make sure that the clock you choose ticks loudly
  • Place the excess wiring so that it is coming out of the folds of the box
  • Light up all glow sticks, and pop the stink bomb inside the box. Quickly tape box shut.
  • Get the cell phone and tape the phone to the outside of the box. Make sure phone is on.
  • Place your box outside a public or government building.

See? It’s that easy to make a thermonuclear device. The glow sticks will generate enough radiation to make authorities unsure as to whether or not it is a nuclear weapon, and the stink bomb with green vapor could make them think it is a chemical weapon. Once that’s done, you can basically do whatever you want, without being caught since all the cops will be attending to ‘the bomb’. That is how fucking paranoid America is. If there’s a box in the street, it’s a bomb. If there’s an unattended backpack at a school, it’s a bomb. If it’s a briefcase in front of an office building, it’s a bomb. Hell, you can’t even say bomb without being labeled a terrorist, so I guess I’m a terrorist. I suppose you’ll want me to praise Allah now and say “Durka Durka” a lot. You racist bastard.

In Conclusion:

This is obviously a joke playing on American paranoia. If you took me seriously, please go shoot yourself. Even though it would probably work. But don’t report me to the CIA or FBI. An angry black teenager with 14 BB guns won’t look good…

Listen to Jimi Hendrix

…although it would be pretty cool if the CIA or FBI had a file on me. No, no. Now that I think about it, really, don’t report me. It’s just a joke, it’s not an actual weapon, I don’t have any sources in the US Military, and the M87-HAED doesn’t even exist. So there. DON’T REPORT ME.

Tell your friends about The Tome of Communism

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

Black History Month, Niggas, 50 Cent and More

Febuary 1st, 2006. The special time of year where Republicans and Democrats in Washington come together to be politically correct and try to hide their racism. A time for all of America to be politically correct, and treat us colored-negro-black-African Americans like fucking royalty. It’s Black History Month. Personally, I don’t celebrate Black History Month, because there’s nothing to celebrate anymore. And I’ll tell you why. But first:

Recently on The Boondocks, a topic was “The Return of the King”, in which Martin Luther King Jr. Never actually died. He was shot, but he went into a coma, and the world forgot about him. On October 27th, 2000, Martin Luther King came back.

He had trouble adjusting to the modern world, especially the post-9/11 world. Eventually, he noticed the state of black culture, and called a mass black meeting in the town hall at Woodcrest. He tried to speak, but all the black people were busy listening and dancing to the latest rap hits, “Booty Butt Booty Butt Booty Butt-cheeks”, and “Thuggin’ Love”. There was also a fight in the corner. After trying everything else, he unleashed this speech (quoted approximately):

‘Will all you ignorant-ass niggers PLEASE shut the hell up! I know some of you all don’t want to hear me use that word, but that’s what I see in front of me today. I see niggers. Niggers are lazy, niggers are ignorant, niggers are stupid, dumb, disgraceful and a shame to blacks across the world. Me and my brothers fought for years to get you all the rights you deserve, and this is the thanks we get?…BET is the dumbest thing I have ever seen…Kentucky Fried Chicken is destroying the black race…My brothers and sisters, the time has come to stop being niggers. The time has come to rise up, and take what is rightfully ours. The time has come to gain our respect. But I won’t be here to do it with you, I’m going to Canada.”

That speech moved all the blacks across the world. It was broadcast worldwide for the next 24 hours, and the revolution came. The black race stopped being ignorant-ass niggers. And that’s what we need now.

Let’s face it, rap really is crap. 50 cent, Lil _____, Young_____, and all like them are ignorant-ass niggeas who are setting black people back dozens of years. We are really throwing away everything that MLK and Malcolm X and all the other blacks since 1877 have been fighting for, and the time has come to stop. Just stop. Stop listening to that nigga 50 Cent, and all rappers that rap about bitches, hoes, money, or their status as a pimp/badass. If you are going to listen to rap, listen to the gangster rap from the late 80’s and early 90’s. For the love of God, black America. Stop being niggas and start being black. Give us back a reason to celebrate black history month.

In Conclusion:

50 Cent is a nigga. His niggerdom knows no bounds. Kick him out of the country.

Listen to Jimi Hendrix, a proud black man

Tell your friends about the Tome of Communism