2009 04 01 archive

Monday, April 27, 2009


If you so much as glanced at a newspaper or television in the past 72 hours, you’ll know that the entirety of the mainstream media is shitting bricks over the next apocalyptic virus to doom the human race. Ebola, SARS, and even avian flu are so yesterday, swine flu is what’s in. As the name implies the disease normally infects pigs and people who work around pigs. But recently the virus has mutated to alloow for human to human transmission, much like the regular ass flu. However, since this strain is new scientists have yet to develop a vaccine. Couple this with a couple of people in Mexico dying, and now you’ve got a perfect recipe for ‘the end of the world’. Really the only thing left to wonder is when will Jesus descend and save all the protestants.

“Viruses exist for a reason,” as my friend Nick put it in the elevator today. Since he is a monster I assumed he meant something along the lines of natural selection but he actually meant that by being exposed to new threats, our immune systems strengthen themselves. That’s how I was raised; within reason my parents let young Bobby put things in his mouth and stick this and that here and there. Sure I got sick a lot but as a result now I have an excellent immune system. Things work out in the end.

I’m not saying that making yourself immune to swine flu is as simple as tonguing a pig, just that people’s fears about a viral apocalypse are embarrassingly overblown. Exposure to new threats strengthens the immune system and increases the likelihood of survival in the future. And in the United States where, troubled as it may be, we have a recognizable health care system even if you find yourself addled with swine flu you’re probably not going to die from it. This morning, on Fox oddly, I heard that some of the kids at St. Francis in New York City are already feeling better. So in short, calm the fuck down and carry on with your lives. There will be a tomorrow.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The Queen Is Not To Be Touched!

People say that with college comes a great deal of firsts, and my own personal experience has certainly proved that true. Back in Rockville I never found myself going on impromptu road trips to wherever my friends and I decide to go, or passed out on someone’s bathroom floor (a highlight of my life), or learning that my attraction to someone is very, very reciprocated. That last one was pretty nice to find out. But probably the strangest first during my time at OU so far has been my first association with drag.

I’ve always been curious about drag shows but for some reason or another never really brought the topic up at home. Last Thursday a friend commanded that I accompany him and two women to a show later that night. It was an interesting time. During one of the acts, one of the queens threw off a black robe to reveal one of those ‘naked’ body suits, with silhouetted black hands covering her chest and crotch. In the middle of a dance, she sashays to the right side of the audience, to my seat, thrusts her crotch in my face and demands that I “shake!” Well, she was expecting a handshake with her vagina/dick/whatever, so I had to upstage her expectations by grabbing her hips and eating her out. It was the rational thing to do.

Do I regret what I did? Why would I? I laughed, she laughed, the audience laughed; that’s a win win win right there. After the show we went to the afterparty where I was toasted and offered a cigarette by one of the queens for double-fisting. “This is my kind of guy”, she goes. I was unaware binge drinking is a desirable trait. Anyway I did overestimate my tolerance a bit but like last time I realized that once standing began requiring a conscious effort, it was time to put the drink down and call it a night. The next morning I was rewarded for my shananigans by my first hangover since that fateful January night. And was it ever a bitch. Oh, college.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

You Don’t Know What It’s Like To Listen To Your Fears

Bigotry is often rooted in societal pressure to act and believe as such, confusion, ignorance, and most of all fear. While the only thing I and a sociologist have in common is that we’ve both taken Sociology 101, you don’t exactly need professional training to notice what makes most of the hateful so hateful. But part of what makes them so virulently opposed to anything counter to their way of life is that it’s always the minority’s fault for being themselves. The bigot never looks introspectively to ask if they are being unfair because they just don’t know any better. Which makes the National Organization of Marriage, or (Om Nom) NOM for short, and their newest advertisement particularly odd. Watch for yourself:

Looking past the obvious lols of a “rainbow coalition” fighting to keep gays in the back of the bus, the oddly colored lightning on an obvious green screen, and hokey ‘light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel’ when the random black guy mentions OM NOM’s campaign, the ad admits upfront that they are afraid of gay people. Or, more specifically, the changes they will have to make to their lives to accommodate the rights of other people. They put this out there for the world to see while maintaining a tone that implies they are all for gay rights (“some people aren’t content with letting same-sex couples live as they choose”), so long as they don’t have to change the way they think about gay people. It’s like the vocal environmentalist that still uses incandescent bulbs and drives their luxury sedan. Abandoning the old and embracing the new can be a frightening concept, but there are times when such action is called for and unless you’re willing to make those sacrifices, can you really even imply that you support a cause?

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Fuck Yeah

Well it didn’t go exactly as this dreamer had planned while his head was in the clouds but nonetheless it was fun for me, and apparently fun for him too. Plus, how many people can say they lost their virginity with Team America on in the background? Now that’s a story I can tell my grandchildren with pride!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Would You Like Some Tea, Polly Prissy-Pants?

When I was younger I enjoyed acting. Not legitimate theater acting or anything like that, just playing the role of someone–police officer, father, what have you–to my little heart’s content. And before anybody says it no, I did not wish to be the little girl. In fact, in 7th grade a part in a play called for me to wear a dress in front of the entire grade and I skipped that day of school.

Anyway, as is usual with one party taking control away from another party, the dejected are now up in arms about the new administration’s ‘runaway spending’. Somewhat literally, as the case may seem. Across the country pissed off conservatives are making their pickewt signs and preparing their chants, and in a few cases donning powdered wigs and buckled dress shoes on April 15th (tax day) for what they call tea parties. Using new-age word-of-mouth tools like facebook and twitter, these pissed off conservatives are organizing similar-minded pissed off conservatives to dress like it’s 1773 (at least the crazy ones will play dress-up) and protest the government’s ‘socialist’ economic management.

Of course the line goes that a vocal citizenry questioning their government is essential to the preservation of our democracy blah blah blah, but do they really have to dress up like idiots? And could they at least have their history right? The 1773 dumping of taxed British tea in Boston Harbor by disloyal colonialists, later ironically called the Boston Tea Party, was much more of a protest against taxation without representation and much less of a cry against overtaxation. And some of the rebels dressed up as Native Americans when they did their dumping, ostensibly to offset responsibility when the British authorities turned vengeful.

It’s not that irresponsible federal spending isn’t something to be upset about. Rather, it seems like the protesters rabidly, blindly blame it all on ‘liberals’ when it was in fact a celebrated Republican president that took to stellar heights the policy of ‘spend now, pay later’ and established a precedent to keep it there when it’s not needed. It’s not casting blame, it’s just knowing who and what is responsible so you don’t do it again. But to ignore that and scream “Damn liberals!” into a megaphone for hours is the hallmark of partisan stupidity and disrespect for history. If you can’t get the facts about the first tea party right, at least know what the fuck you’re protesting.

Saturday, April 11, 2009


Pardon my laziness.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Scallops Flyin’ Outta Me Pants

Whenever I go through the great state of West Virginia, I swear time slows down. The state is a time vacuum, sucking the precious resource away from all who dare come near it. The wild and wonderful wasteland unfortunately has a similar effect on its natives, as evident by Craig Blair and his proposal for revamping the state’s unemployment benefits system. Simply put, the state lawmaker wants to make random drug testing a part of it. If a beneficiary fails the test, they keep getting benefits during a 60 day period in which they have to clean themselves up. If they fail their next test at the end of that 60 days, they lose benefits for two years.

This is what passes for a plan in West Virginia.

I believe it’s been said time and time again by one person or another on this blog that drug addiction is an illness and not a crime. You don’t punish people for developing cancer after chain smoking for 20 years or contracting HIV after that one night stand, so why should a drug addict–probably the class of people that needs a hand up the most–be booted into abject poverty because of something they cannot control?

Blair and his ilk seem to think that by depriving addicts of material pleasures like money and all that it buys, they’re going to will the addict into giving up their vice. But anybody who passed 10th grade Health Ed can tell you that’s not how addiction works. That’s how you get someone to put down the bowl or the TV remote, not the crack pipe. To an addict, nothing else matters but their next fix and where they’re going to get it from. You take away their income and they’ll find another way to get it. Prostitution, theft, drug dealing, gun running; the criminal underworld is never short of ways for the desperate to make a dollar or two.

And that’s really the only area where the War on Drugs succeeds in is making the world a more dangerous place for us to live. The government and the people need to admit they lost their War, and start treating their fellow countrymen’s addiction problem as the illness that it is. Unless, that is, you’d rather surrender your money to huge (and ineffective) law enforcement budgets and the addict’s life to a vice you could have helped save them from. But look on the bright side, you’ll still have your pride. Given that the War on Drugs has chugged along for 40 years uninterrupted, apparently pride is all we Americans care about.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

That Magic Feeling

Would someone care to tell me what kind of a United States we live in where same-sex marriage is illegal in California, but legal in Iowa? Not that I’m complaining, mind you; it’s just odd that the most liberal state in the union passed a proposition denying a set of human rights, while the heartland of the famously closed-minded and cold-hearted Midwest now joins Massachusetts and Connecticut on the forefront of what could possibly be the century’s most prolific civil rights movement.

An important caveat to mention is that the only reason same-sex marriage is currently legal in Iowa is because the state’s “liberal activist judges” remembered their time in law school and realized the state’s 10 year old ban on the issue was fundamentally counter to the state constitution. Kind of like the situation in California ten months ago. Also like the golden state, barring any ideologically-minded judicial replacements, the only way to re-criminalize same-sex marriage in Iowa is with another ballot initiative. Good news is that can’t happen for at least another two years so it’ll be a while before the mos are tossed back to the back.

As alluded to earlier, the state’s litany of Republican lawmakers are crying ‘liberal activist judges’ (never mind that all of the state’s justices agreed on the decision) about the matter and threatening this and that in the way of legislation to bump the fags back into the hole they came from. But even the most naive dolt with two halves of a brain cell to rub together could tell you that denying people their rights–rights everyone else has–based on a characteristic that does not harm society falls under the archaic umbrella of separate but equal. That doctrine is something that third graders are taught is unconstitutional.

So why is it that so many states and so many people are incapable of understanding such an elementary concept? Maybe a better question is why are they incapable of caring that they just might be wrong, caring what their bigotry does to their fellow people. And in regards to this country’s lawmakers, including the President and Vice President, when oh when will the power of love overcome the love of power?

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Not Quite Instant; Just Add Water

I walk under ladders routinely, nobody touches me on St. Patrick’s Day, and I can’t say I’ve ever fallen victim to an April Fool’s Joke. People have tried, but most people generally suck at lying like that. And then there’s the people that take it upon themselves to pull pranks rather than play someone for a fool. Some pranks can be pretty cool, but things like propping a bucket of ice over the bathroom door really aren’t cool. Unless the would-be prankster forgets about and sets off the trap themselves in the morning. Then that is a prank I most wholeheartedly approve of.

Many moons ago for an April Fool’s prank I redirected this humble little abode to a certain website displaying a certain video that would bounce around the screen as the hapless victim (that would be you) attempted to close the window. On one hand I feel bad for the affected readership (especially those that thought “virus”), and on the other I am so proud of my epic trolling. Well, not too long ago I unwittingly clicked on a link to a video or something or another, Orhan might have sent it to me. I had to Ctrl+Alt+Del and terminate the firefox.exe process to get it to stop. Just call me the bucket man.